2002-06-11, 10:20 p.m.
today with my therapist was good and bad. ive felt like hell more than usual for the past 3 days...and I was in no mood to see "the rapist" today. but i went. and im glad.
i dont cry in front of him. i usually dont cry in front of anyone. but i guess i broke. at first i was really silent giving the occasional grunt to his questions and what not but soon I got angry and had to defend myself when i brought up the fact that im dead. he said, no, your mother is dead. she isnt thinking anyore like a reasonable person. She's dead. Your thinking. Your feeling. Your hurting. She doesn't feel or hurt. I eventually agreed with him but after that I was on a war path. Sobbing and getting angry and everytime he'd say something I'd shoot it down with something like "How can I NOT be nuts when I think about tommorow and I start to cry. No, how can I not be fucking crazy if I think about leaving this office and I want to take those goddamn scissors and slit my throat?" or something like "how can I not feel this way when I know tommorow will hurt, and there is no ending to this pain. do you know how that fucking feels?"
generally, I was pretty angry. I guess he finally reliazed that i need more help then hes giving because he schedueled me for next week instead of in 2 weeks and Im thinking/hoping/praying that it will be a regular thing.
My anti-depressant doctor is a total 'tard and left me on a medication that isnt doing anything for me and schedueld an appt. for 3 months later instead of the usual monthly thing and left me with "well, it should be an adequate dose for someone of your age" well it ISNT.
So, another plus, I got a new doctor. A male which I'm pleased with. I have an appt thursday to get re-evaluated for meds.