2002-07-07, 12:30 a.m.
something is crashing onto me. something is breaking in me. i don't know if there is a change in me or i'm just the same but something new hurts and feels different. like all hope has broken. for real. nothing im making more dramatic. its real. the pain feels real and different. something new, unmovable is hurting inside of me. my medicine should be working by now. 4 days over when it should be working. its not working. this is what i hoped for. this is what i wanted. i prayed and hoped for this. i feared feeling better. not being depressed. i feared taking this small pink and grey pill. its all coming true. its not working. i asked for this.
then why does it hurt so much to know that?
its like i realized the world is dying. all hope that man kind isnt going down the tube and there is something better than this has died. everyone is sad. everyone is depressed. everyone is dying for this life to end. everyone is dying to die. everyone is fucked up. life is being fucked up. life is this. i am life. there isnt anything better than this. there isnt anything more than this.
i cant think about living for another day knowing that. living is just too hard to do.
my thoughts are crazy, sparatic. i feel as if i am losing my mind. i am uncontroable.
2 days ago i was a completely different person.
i crawled into my closet and was banging my head against the wall. as hard as i could. i could've knocked myself out. i am dangerous. i almost killed myself 2 days ago. not even on purpose. i wanted to sleep. i couldnt stand to feel. everything was crashing on me. i took sleeping pills. 2 at a time. ripping open package after package. i later figured out i took 16 sleeping pills. i was going to take more but i couldnt find anymore. i wasnt thinking that i could overdose. i had about 20 sleeping pills left that i couldnt find.
if i found them id be dead right now
i am insane. out of control. dangerous to myself. i feel as if i should be taken away in a straight jacket. locked in a cell. padded. so i dont bang my head anymore.
so i dont cut my arms anymore.
arms?
what arms?
they are blood. cuts. everywhere.
what the fuck am i doing to myself?
i am going to kill myself without even trying. i am dangerous
headache. ive had a headache since i banged my head against the wall. should i be worried?