2002-09-14, 9:46 p.m.
I watched the towel spin as I tried to grab it to wipe my hand and mouth.
why is it spinning i thought.
but my head hurt too bad to think reasonably about it. how did I let this get out of hand? How did I get to 97 lbs before? I was 100 before...then all of a sudden I was up 2 lbs. It's like this endless cycle of going from 97-103 lbs. I never go any lower, never any higher. well I ever get anywhere? I woke up this morning to a dissapointing 102. I end my last purge at 102.5. Hopefully in the morning and not fully clothed I will be 101. My goal was 95 by Tuesday. Now that's impossible.
failure.failure.failure.failure keeps ringing in my head. i'm nothing. useless. i'll never get anywhere. i'll never be loved. never be cared for. never have this aching lonely feeling leave.
I just stared at the toilet, stared at my hand. 2 more lbs, 2 more lbs. I caught a glimpse of a girl in a green tanktop. She almost looked thin. But then I looked harder. fatfatfatfat. YOU'RE FUCKING HUGE AND UGLY! I'm nothing but ugly and fat. Who could love this? How could I expect anyone to want to get to know me? Love me? Work for me?
I dry heaved. Damn. damn. There has to be more. More. I need to weigh less. Get rid of more. My eyes blurred and my head pounded. My ears rang. Or is that the garadge? or did I turn the CD player on? Too much thinking, my head feels like it's being stepped on. 2 more pounds and I can go lie down. I dry heaved again. Wait...is that red in the toilet? What did I eat that was red? I tried to rack my brain but there was too much food. I don't know. I looked at my fingers....red. My heart jumped and I felt an ache in my chest. That seems to happen whenever I get scared...my chest starts to hurt. A lingering pain that slowly fades away with the fear.
I rinsed my hand and swished my mouth with mouthwash and I think I started to make my way out of the bathroom....
then I woke up on the carpet. I was huddled in a ball. My head still ached. My chest had a dull pain. Dehydrated...probably. I got up...slowly..but then decided to crawl when things started to spin. I drank water, and lied down.
two more lbs two more lbs two more lbs rang in my head. But there was a stronger voice, yelling above the 2 lbs. It screamed failure! failure! failure!