2002-10-02, 6:06 p.m.
I don't feel like going to youth group tonight. I also don't feel like having this layout anymore. I'm having a new one being made for me (because I suck at html and have no good programs to make things with) and I'm getting kind of anxious for it. I'm tired of staring at this black and purple. My new layout will have a white background and black font. And more..but that's the jist of things.
But anyways, I don't want to go to youth group tonight. I don't feel like getting dressed and seeing people. Though I kind of am excited I weigh 98 lbs, I still don't want to go out in public. I even weighed 98 fully clothed..so maybe that's 97? Hopefully. I'm glad I'm losing weight again. I hope I don't let this slip through and gain a bunch of weight again. I just want to be thin so much. I babysit two times a week now. The kids are a handful. Two girls. Dominque who is four, and Francesca who is three. Dominque likes to talk about boys and how icky kissing is a lot. I just kind of watch TV and and mumble "uh huh" occasionally. I can't help but to notice but Francesca is a little...fat. Dominque is thin...maybe thinner then she should be for someone her age, but Francesca has big legs and a big stomach. She's always asking for food and it makes me happy to feed them. I don't know why. I just like to know people eat. I wonder how Francesca got fat with thin parents and a thin sister. I wonder if she will always be fat and jealous of her older, prettier sister. I know that's a lot to see with 3 and 4 year olds, but I can't help to think about it. I ate really good today, even babysitting. I probably ate about 80 calories till about 5:30. Now I'm scarfing mac and cheese, pizza, mash potatoes, and caramel popcorn for a b/p before youth group.
We turned in our first draft of a writing piece into english today. Mine is really depressing. As usual. I wonder how she'll react. I saw her flipping through it and kind of raising her eyebrow. It scared me. I wonder what she'll think of me. Think I'm crazy. Teacher's and adult's opinions of me are so important to me...they always have. Even in elementry school I agonized over pleasing adults. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel like I can never please my parents. No call from the therapist office. Maybe my meds doctor didn't suceed in having them "pay more attention" to me.
I've been in kind of a slump since last Friday or so. I was a bit better today, but these past days I didn't feel like I could do anything and kept crying a lot, feeling hopeless. Today I just feel hallow, like my heart has been ripped out.
Last Saturday was the on year anniversary of the worse day of my life (no exaggeration) When my friend found about my cutting, where I was almost admitted to a hospital (lying helps) and I started seeing my therapist because of it. September 28th. I will always remember that date.
Today I had to read this thing infront of my english class. When I sat down, my heart was beating so fast. It felt like it was so weak and was struggling to pump...I was nervous because i was reading...but I've done many plays and such and I've never felt it beat like this. It beat so fast it hurt. It really scared me. I bet it's related to all this bulimia stuff. Everything seems to be related to that. I don't know what to write so I'm just writing facts, not feelings. It scares me to feel. When I lived with my youth leaders for 3 months after all that stuff happened on September 28th (I couldn't go home...too scared) they were house sitting. The place I babysat at today was that same place...another women house sitting for the same couple. So many memories flood through me when I'm there. Crying, cutting, seeing my dad show up periodically, not seeing my mom. Tons of things that I can't bear to think about. I remember I use to spend my evenings with my yuoth leaders watching TV, but this one evening I was upset, and was doing homework, and crying in my room. Marlie asked why I wasn't downstairs, and I just shrugged. I remember my friend Christie telling me there that I was using her and calling me all these names and accusing me of all these things and I remember crying to Marlie and Darren late at night..in their room...being hugged. It was nice to have some kind of parents. Then they weren't house sitting anymore and it was Christmas and Marlie's pregnancy was showing more and more. They moved in wiht Marlie's mom and I moved home in time for Christmas. A week or two before I left, we had christmas together. We drank egg nog and decorated their tree with christmas music playing. I never had a family to do that with. They even bought me a special ornament - Cinderella - They knew she was my favorite. I still have the ornament. Hanging from a shelf in my room. We exchanged gifts too. They got me socks and someting else I can't remember. I got Darren a beanie and Marlie slippers and socks. It was nice. I'm wearing a pair of the socks right now.
But now I'm home now. And ignored, and depressed. And have been bulimic since I got home. Infact, a couple weeks after that was the first time I purged. And I miss having a family, and I miss feeling like I was worth something.