2002-10-03, 3:31 p.m.
I'm getting really frustrated with people talking to me. I.Don't.Care. Leave me alone. Of course that doesn't apply to everyone, it's mostly my friends NOT from the FIF Board. Infact, it's everyone not from the FIF board. just shut up about you're stupid life. i don't care what you're doing this weekend, I don't care that you're so full of yourself you have to tell me you bought more books.
I was so frustrated with my youth pastor last night. i came into youth group late and there were a few empty seats, but if i sat in them and not in the empty ROW next to my youth pastor, then it'd be obvious i was avoiding him. i sat down and he said jokingly yet accusionly "you're a bit late" fuck you. who cares. shut up. i just nodded knowing he expected me to explain but i just stared straight ahead the whole time. he jokingly shoved me like we use to do but i just stared foward and didn't look at him. i left before saying goodbye to anyone which is odd for me but i didn't want to stick around like i usually do. i just feel empty and tired of people.
I want to give up on things, but I don't know what I'd be giving up on, and I don't know if I have already given up. I'd resort to a alter plan...alter lifestyle...alter attitude, but i don't know of any others. i don't know. i was just thinking of the FIF song "Plan B" Where the chorus says "Giving up never felt so good, welcome to plan B" I want a plan B..to ditch all of this...but again, I don't know what I'm ditching and I don't know what my plan b is.
I wonder how someone snaps into such a strong depression. I was feeling lousy as usual but I was functioning in school. Doing my work, even occasionally smiling at my teachers weird jokes. But I sat down and read for hte 3rd time "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath and god I felt so depressed, so drained, so empty when the bell rang and I had to move. It was so scary...like last night...empty, slow, wordless.
Now I feel the same but not so slow. I'm inhaling food. Fettuchini alfredo, reese peanut butter cups, a snickers bar, 4 cherry turn overs, this appple courisont(sp?) thing, another raspberry filled doughnut. I'm down to 3 cherry turn overs and a couple bites of pasta and i feel like i could eat this amount all over again. I might go to 7-11 and get more peanut butter cups. hm. I was 98.5 this morning. I gained a half lb. Probably from my late night binge. I plan to get some laxatives after I go to dinner at my youth leaders place (i will only eat fruit and veggies) and get rid of that. i have an hour and 20 min till i have to be there.. i like to have lots of binge teime. i started 40 min ago. i got to keep going...no time to type.