2002-10-04, 2:59 p.m.
Okay...what I wanted to update about before.
I'm finally starting to remove him from my life. Deleting things on my computer like away messages, bookmarked webpages related to him, pictures, logos, the whole nine yards. I don't have a lot of un web related stuff with him, but I do have lots of saved voice mails of him singing. I managed *somehow* to delete those without crying. I admit I haven't parted with all the conversations I saved with us but I think I'll be able to do that someday. I put the bear he gave me for my birthday in the garadge but then felt guilty...so now he sits in my closet in a box. I don't know what to do with that. He spent all his days on my bed, and all his nights in my arms since the first day I recieved him in the mail. It's hard to know what to do with him.
out of sight, out of mind, out of reach. start over, start over.
But I'm not sure if I can start over. You know when you have something you keep trying to repair, fix, tape up, but it's thrashed...it's time to trash it and replace it. How do you replace a broken heart? I don't think it can ever be replaced. I don't think it will ever trust again. I wish I could take a part of my heart out that holds all the hurt and love from him. I think I'm bitter towards it all, but what bad thing have I not turned incredibly bitter to? I don't get sad (forever over it) or angry, I get bitter and hard. I didn't think my heart could turn any colder.
I'm really lonely. Incredibly lonely. I don't feel like I'll ever open my heart to anyone, and I've closed my heart to everyone that was close to me. So what do I have left? my weight loss. that's what I left. I just focus on losing weight. I'm at 98 right now fully clothed, so I'm still 97. I haven't ruined it surpisingly enough. Maybe I'll get down to 96 tommorow, but I doubt it. *sigh* but who cares? no one does. no one cares. no matter what i do or look like, i'll be invisiable to the world and useless to myself.