2002-10-08, 3:59 p.m.
I started to cry in the dark room during photo class. Roung, big tears rolled down my cheek onto my negatives despite how much I tried to stop them. I'm thankful you can hardly see anything in there. I walked quickly to geometry. I felt anxious to move but I don't want to be moving. I just want to disapear. I sat down and felt the tears form in my eyes. I want a razor, I want a razor, I want a razor kept repeating in my head, like a chant. I haven't done that in so long, but I haven't felt like this in so long. I was able to smile for a bit, and when the tears came I could force them away, but not today. When I was sitting in geometry i knew I couldn't fight anymore. I picked up the pass signaling i was going to the restroom and rushed out. I rushed, picked a stall, and it wasn't long before I was sliding down the wall of the stall meeting the floor with my restrained sobs because I heard people talking in there. I sobbed and sobbed not knowing why and wishing the tears would stop but they didn't They seemed to go on forever. Even when I felt empty and used up, they continued. Finally, eventually, the tears rolled instead of poured and I stood up and splashed water on my face from the sink but soon enough I was sobbing again. Someone came out of a stall, a freshmen or sophomore and pretended not to notice my tears. When I felt like I could control myself, I made my out. But as I pushed the restroom door, my tears pushed out as well. I paced infront of a hall sobbing, wishing someone, anyone, would give me a hug and someone let me know that things were going to be okay and I'd believe them. A girl from my english class last year and my geometry class this year, Nicole, came out and asked what was wrong. I turned away and tried to say "I don't know" but she followed my turns and kept asking me why I was crying. I started sobbing unrestrained now, letting all my emotion coming out in my sounds. My head screamed "FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE!" I controlled myself and accepted her invitation to walk with her while she went to get food at the window. I felt tears brim over my eyes as we walked to and back to geometry. I sit back in class, crying, but not desperate sobs. Either people don't notice me, which is likely, or they're pretending not to notice. I don't want anyone to say anything. I know if someone did, I would start sobbing all over again. I wanted to go home and cry and sleep so bad but I had two more classes. How will I make it through the day? The only thing I could look foward to was my razor at lunch.
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4 hours later, I'm worse. I try to sleep, but I took 8 diet pills and the energy is surging through me. So I clean. I clean and clean and pour bleach crazily all over my carpet. I'm screaming at my mom, she's screaming at me, I'm sobbing, cleaning, pouring, acting insane. My mom won't shut up about a blanket. She was driving me crazy. I threatened to her "I'm going bash your face in if you don't shut the fuck up." She didn't stop. I felt insane. I still do. I tried to dry my carpet as best as possible but now I'm sitting on a towel where i usually do on my carpet. I feel so insane. Out of my mind. nuts. i know i am. i know i've lost my mind. i know i'm insane. but no one will help me. take me away. i can't be crazy in a normal world anymore. it's making me worse