2002-10-13, 8:34 a.m.
I'm going to be a good little sick kid and tell my therapist that the group isn't going to give me the help I need and something else needs to be done. Why am I doing this? Do I care about myself....no. But I'm scared for myself. My heart feels like its struggling to simply beat everyday. I always hear it pounding, and when I take my pulse, they're quick and hard beats it seems. I never said it, but I've been getting a bit of blood once in awhile when purging. Quite a bit, really. It really isn't that much blood, but everytime I do a single act of throwing up, I spit afterwards (nice picture, eh?) and everytime I spit, there is blood. Again, not a lot. but maybe I should be worried from the frequency? The first time I almost stopped, but I had so much food left in me. So i just kept going till all that happened was spittng blood.
I cut myself yesterday. *shrugs* it's been so long and was so familiar and nice. It scared me a bit though because it wouldn't stop bleeding. It was nothing different then usual, so I don't know why it was such a bleeder. Anyways, I see my therapist on Tuesday. I'm down to 97. Lost a lb. I didn't eat all day yesterday, till after the group I came home and binged/purged. My parents are out of town so it's a lot easier to make tons of food. I'm going to try not to eat or binge/purge till late afternoon or after my bible study tonight. I have dinner for the group. Food is my speciality.