2004-01-03, 7:00 p.m.
Things aren't good. Things aren't good at all. I feel like the concept of time and my awareness of what I'm doing is slightly beyond my grasp. This whole day has been fuzzy and distant. I'm tired. I just don't give a fuck. Everything is hard to do and reach. I don't know if this makes sense because thinking of how to describe it is too much trouble. I don't really know what's going on. I'm just kind of going with the flow. It's been this way since my drunken expierence which seems like so, so long ago. I thought getting a good nights rest would make me feel better but god, I feel awful. Last night I thought I had a fever because everything was pounding in my head and I thought I was going to cry but when I took my temp it was 98.5. I should just call it a night and go to bed but I'm afraid of waking up to another day like this, which doesn't make sense because I'm still facing this day. Nothing makes sense. I'm just going to binge and purge like I do everynight.
I need to see Julio for fucks sake. I need to process some of my winter break. I need to tel him what's going on right now. I'm afraid if I start thinking about what's going on I'll admit to myself I need to be put in a hospital and this is really bigger then I can handle. Maybe I'm just so fucked up because I've realized everything is worthless and my life has turned to meaningless. what's that quote "meaningless..meaningless...everything is meaningless." i think it's a bible verse.
This has been such a long day. One of the longest days of my life. I'm so alone. I have people but they have no idea what this is like. No one has any idea. I'm alone in this and it's all my fault.