2004-01-12, 9:52 p.m.
I had an interesting chat with my brother today. My mom mentioned she was bringing him to the doctor, which I thought was odd, since he's a health-freak-anti-doctor type of guy. So this evening I said to him "why'd you go to the doctor?" He told me he saw a psychologist, which took me by suprise but I didn't let it show.
We talked for a good chunk of time. He told me he's having "problems" in school (he's down from college). He's planning to take a semester off because he's failing some classes. He said he saw the doc to tell the Dean from the school that he's doing something about these "problems". When I probed about these problems he got real sad. He said some people he thought were his friends weren't his friends and didn't treat him well. That makes me mad. I can picture some guys taking advantage of my not so big brother. He's short and kind of puny. My brother kind of red eyed and I thought he was going to cry when he talked about how one of the guys was someone he knew for like 10 years. He was trying to smile and laugh but he was really upset. My brother was talking about classic symptons of depression: not eating, not sleeping, struggling in school. My brother is really, really smart too. I asked if his problems were being depressed? He said yes, but he said he's usually okay outside of school, like down at home. But at home he seems depressed sometimes too. Great, my whole family is depressed and messed up. My mom is schizo, paranoid, and way out there. I'm bipolar, bulimic, depressed, and OCD. My dad is was/is depressed, in denial, and who knows. And now my brother is depressed and has major social problems. We need like, major therapy.
I saw school psychologist today. He sent me home with one of those test things. Like "I hear things other people don't hear." and stuff like that. He called this one lady that he knows because he swore her daughter was seeing Julio at one point and he wanted to find out. So I listened to parts of the conv on speaker phone and she was! It was weird. She was like "Yes...Julio So and So....do you want his number? Yes. You're my favorite school psychologist but outside of school, he's my favorite psychologist. He's great blah blah blah..." and just raving. Hm. But she didn't see him, her daughter did. School psych wouldn't give me details, but she said girl had trauma, while my bulimia is self-induced, her struggles were not. (i'm guessing rape or something). I got kind of offended because hey, i'm a victim! Look at my mom. But whatever. But I guess Julio did her some good. It's weird to think of Julio seeing some other chick my age. He said it was a couple years ago. Whenever I go in there, before or after me, there is families going in. God, I talk about Julio too much. This can't be normal. Another topic. Anything. Something. got it!
I'm so fucking lonely. At bible study (no i don't believe in god really, i just do it for the social aspects and because ive been involved with these people for so long) this girl was talking about how her break sucked and how she was really lonely the whole time and how she has no friends. and someone pointed out why didn't you call melissa, you guys are friends? and she was kind of squirming uncomfortable and she was like i don't know, she always seems busy. I almost cried. I was like "i was doing the same thing as you, nothing!" I want friends. I don't know why that made me so upset but I'm tired of not having steady close friends, I guess.
I don't want to go to school tommorow, but I miss way too much frekin school. How many more days can I stay up late throwing up late and dragging myself out of bed on 6 hours of sleep? Can my body handle this for much longer?