2004-01-30, 11:29 p.m.
Therapist fowarded me the email that was sent to him from some diaryland reader. I won't copy and paste it in here, because I would feel bad. Their intentions were right and they said they had been reading my diary for like a year. I have their email address and everything, but I don't know who it is. I'll give a synopsis of what it said, though.
It said they had information about me that was imperative for him to know. they said they are not expecting a response due to confidence issues, but he wanted to write to him because he was afraid if he didn't tell him what was going on, i would die. He said I weighed 84 lbs (not true, 82-83), i set a goal down to 80, i purge multiple times every evening(binge once, vomit a lot..ya..), my hair is falling out, legs and arm go numb(just one leg), my heart is beating funny(when did i say that? sometimes when i get nervous it beats fast. sometimes my heart hurts), and i want to die(can't deny that).
He said maybe he already suspects these things, but he can't convey how desperate this situation is and everyone is really scared for me.
When Julio sent me the email, he asked me to tell him what I think. I wrote him back saying I didn't know who the person was, but I confirmed most of what he said. I tried to match the tone of the email to a certain extent. I guess i want him to know things are really that bad, so he doesn't take it lightly. I checked my email again today to see if he replied, but there was no answer. I guess we'll talk about it next week at our appointment.
It's weird, I feel like i'm scaring everyone but the right person. Last tiem i saw my psychiatrist and I told him I'm taking my medication, no problemo, being a good girl this time, we talked for a bit and he was like "wow. usually you come in here and really scare me." I think that's why Julio usually tells me psych called him after i see him. I frighten him.
Everyone keeps calling hospitals, telling me I need to go into further treatment, telling me how scared they are. You think that'd be a red flag to me but the thing is, I'm not seemingly scaring one person: my therapist. And as long as everything's a-o-k and i'm just dandy to him, then I feel like maybe i'm over-reacting, maybe i can put this off a bit longer, maybe I don't need that extreme help.
So everything teeters. Questions arise in my head. Do I need further treatment or am I freaking out over nothing? Trust Julio or wonder if he knows everything to the extreme?
I need to ask Julio where he sees this. I need to ask Julio the severity of this all.