2004-02-17, 5:17 p.m.
I am zombie. I am numb. I am broken.
I walk around feeling nothing. I can't sleep anymore and I break out into sobs often. I am in a state of trance. The few people who talk to me not very often have to say my name a couple times to get my attention. "Sorry" I apologize. "Zoneing" I tell them. I put on my best smile. In the morning I practice smiles and keeping my head up. I'm dying for anyone to talk to me or reach out to me. No one does. No one notices my sad face down the hall. I spend every school day alone. No one talks to me. I go home for lunch. Every day. Every week. Every class I focus on the lecture. Or my paper. Or what I'm going to binge on. I got good grades. All B's and an A. I sob on the way home from school in my car. Someone. Anyone. Talk. to. me.
I'm so fucking alone. It's pathetic. Can you go crazy from lack of socialization? I went to the movies with my dad on my monday off from school. Pathetic. What happened to the friend's I went to middle school and the three years of HS with? I saw one of them today at school. She has new friends. The other graduated. The other I don't see in the halls at all.
Alone. Being alone is the worse, scariest, feeling ever. I bond with my computer for hours on the weekend. Addicted to internet games.
Pathetic.
Gah.
Therapy tommorow. Who cares? He can't help me. Everyone tells me to get a new therapist and that he sucks. I can't get a new therapist. Daddy dearest is worthless in that area and I don't have the motives to change.
I'm a loss cause. I'm going to die from this.
I can't stop breaking out in tears. After I finished purging last night, I fell on the ground in sobs. I'm a mess. I sound so pathetic in this entry. Do something about your life, Melissa. But I'm so tired. So, so, tired.
It's hard to do anything alone. And when you're so tired. So I just go through each day in a trance. Waiting. Waiting for what? I don't know.