2004-03-04, 10:40 p.m.
I'm so behind in school. Everyday I go to class it seems like I'm saying to myself "shit, when was that assigned?" or "Crap! I forgot to do that." Then I promise myself as soon as I get home that day I'll write that paper, or do that reading assigment, but when I get home, it seems unimportant all of a sudden. I have a major project due next Monday in History, a paper due tommorow in English, and I was suppose to do two movie reviews for art of film. I forgot to do the paper for english. Just plain forgot. Now it's the night before and I can't produce anything I'd be proud of. I use to love english. I'd work on the writing assigments thoroughly making sure it was something I was proud of when I turned it in. Now food consumes my life, and I have no time for that. I've decided not to go to school tommorow, write my paper then, and email it to her, as if I was sick or something. I miss way too much school.
Today I had a dentist appointment. I was sure my teeth were rotting away and I'd have 17 cavities or something. He said I did have excessive staining and decay on my back teeth ("I wonder why that is?" he asked) but other than that, I actually don't have any cavities. Ha! And they say bulimia will cause all these teeth problems. I throw up everyday for more than year. All he said is my gums are red and swollen, and to try to floss more.
It's amazing how spacey and cold I've been lately. In the past, I try to be a perfect, polite angel to everyone. I've been noticing myself being almost inpolite, but not on purpose. In public places, people will talk to me, and I just won't respond. They will say "exusce me" or stuff like "whoops, almost ran into you!" and i'll just simply move, and not even acknowledge them. My old self would respond "no problem" and laugh politely. When people greet me, I'd say a warm "Hello! How are you?" Now It's "hey." *walk away quickly, head down* and then when I'm a few feet away i think "gosh, that was cold." and it's because i'm so off in my own world. them saying hi to me is meerly a distraction to my normal thought process.
Something weird happened in english yesterday. It was a normal day. I talked the girl who sits next to me and the one infront of me the whole class a little, but mostly kept to myself. Maybe I was spacey, but nothing out of the ordinary. After the bell rang, everyone filed out. Since I have no one to hang out with during our 15 minute break, I was in no rush to leave. I sat there for a second, hugging my binder to my chest. The girl who I sit next to paused in the row, waiting for everyone to leave. Then she said to me "Is everything okay?" "Ya..I'm fine" I said. "Do you want to talk about anything?" "I'm fine." I laughed as I said it. When I think back on it, I scold myself for not saying "thanks for asking."
Then I cry because it's getting more apparent to those around me that I'm falling apart. It's not like I dress as nice as I use to, and I sure don't smile anymore. Conversations have dropped to a minimum.
As I was leaving English, the teacher was asking another student a question. Then she turned and directed a question to me. It took me a second to realize she was talking to me. It was like the question was in the distance. It finally registered she could be talking to me. "Me?" I said. Then realizing, duh, ya, me. There are only 2 people in the room, I responded.
I need to come back down to earth. I need to learn to cope with this place. It's hell, but it's where I live, and I need to accept that, otherwise I'll always be alone.