2004-03-19, 9:32 p.m.
After all of that, I don't think I'm going to lock my diary after all. I'm too tired to mess with sending everyone the password. I was blown away by how many wanted the PW. I really should lock my diary due to the fact of how many problems I've had with having an open diary, but I just can't deal right now. So sorry for the false alarm.
In other news, there isn't much news. I'm still missing a lot of school. I'm still having big binges. I'm still 80-83 lbs. I'm still spending enormous amounts of money on food. I'm down to 1 dollar. I have officially 1 dollar to my name. All debit cards, ect, have been drained to food. Tommorow, I'm sure, I'll spend that one dollar on a liter of diet coke for my binge tommorow. I'm down to a perfect routine. Or not so perfect. Whatever.
I can't stop thinking about my appointment with Julio. I got so upset. So so upset. I was sobbing when he got "annoyed" with me. I just wanted to leave so I could sob by myself. I want to process the appointment with someone, but I have no one to talk to. Who do you talk to when you have problems with your therapist? I don't know if my problems were with my therapist directly, but I got so upset. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about the appointment, but something struck a chord with me with that appointment. Maybe it's the realization that he can't give me all the answers. Or the fact that he's giving me the answers and I'm just not taking them. Or the fact that this is hopeless. Or that I'm so so scared of people hating me. I don't know. But since that appointment, I've been very numb, very bitchy, and so flipping tired.
I guess I'm worrying a lot of people. I don't mean to, really. I'm not trying to get attention. Infact, I want people to just leave me alone. it annoys me when people feel sorry for me or try to understand when they just can't. They try to tell me what I should be doing, when they can't fathom how difficult this is. But I guess it's nice when they make an extra effort to talk to when they see how sad I am or how alone I am. A lot of adults from my church look at my body or what a mess I am physically, and try to talk to me. An older lady friend from my church is taking me out for a pedicure tommorow. A girl from my english class asked if I was okay and needed to talk. A girl from my history class keeps commenting on how skinny I am and how i shouldn't lose anymore weight. Sometimes I want to scream at them to leave me the hell alone. Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and not get up all day. Other times I just smile and say thanks for your concern, I'm fine, thank you.
But i'm dying on the inside. I feel the tears in my throat.
Blah. I don't know what to say or do anymore.