2004-06-10, 6:51 p.m.
Oh my god. It's a miracle. I haven't seen this white box to update my diary in days.
My last week of school is winding down. All week I've been an anxious mess. There hasn't been enough hours in the day to go to school, prepare for finals, make gifts, buy binge food, prepare binge food, binge, purge, and sleep. But I've almost pulled it off. Tommorow I give gifts to a couple teachers and my stress is relatively over till graduation week.
I feel empty. I keep trucking and moving through the motions but i'm getting worn down. I try not to think about how much money I'm spending, the mess I'm making, how fat I'm getting, and the waste i'm becoming, but it's getting harder and harder to cloud out the reality.
Today I was quickly making my binge food. I had to really hurry because I started late and I was afraid my dad was going to get home. I was pulling out packages and jars from the fridge without looking. I knew what i had to get from habit, and I just had to hurry. I went to the place where i keep my cheese and ham for breakfast burritos and saw there was no ham. My heart raced. What am I going to do? I can't have anything else. I have nothing else to eat. I need my breakfast burritos. All these thoughts were pounding in my head. I actually considered running to the store but i had no time. I probably would have gone to the store, just to get ham, just for this ONE binge, but I had no time before my dad got home. I tried to think of a subsitute for my ham because everything has to be perfect for my binges. I look throughed cabinents, look in the freezer, looked at jars. I NEED MY GOD DAMN HAM. I was just about to defrost a veggie patty when I realized I already took out the lunch meat and it was on the counter.
Oh.My.God. I'm losing my fucking mind. I need to calm donw. I need to breath. It's just ham. Two slices of meat.
Jesus Christ I'm obsessive.
Speaking of obession, my OCD is spiraling. I can't stop picking at myself. I pick for hours. I stare at the mirror and pick pick pick. I can't pull myself away. I tell myself to stop but I can't. I can't stop looking for bugs to kill...ok...I know..weird. But not outside..it's INSIDE my house. I hate bugs indoors. All the time I'm scanning the walls, table tops, ceilings, for any speck or bump that resembles a bug. If I see one, I immediatly spring up and attack it with a tissue. Sometimes I can't leave a room till I find something to kill. And It makes me angry too. My heart pounds. Ugh.
My own head is maddening. I want to turn it off. I feel 100 sizes too big while my size zero pants won't stay on with a belt.
Meanwhile, I haven't heard anything from my doctors. I see Julio next Tuesday though.
I don't know what should be done with me. I feel like a mad woman. Not like, I'm a little off, but I'm afraid I'm turning into my mom.
ugh. my biggest fear. Please don't let history repeat itself.