2004-06-18, 7:10 p.m.
I am a bottomless pit. Insatiable hunger.
I had someone staying with me last night, so I couldn't have my routine binge and purge. I survived the day, not eating an amount I felt was safe, but an amount that didn't make me feel like I had to go just binge and purge. I felt like I ate too much at my graduation dinner salad - they soaked the damn thing in the itilian dressing. I tried to sop it off. Veggies and a bite here and there of my brother's meal. I chewed and spit half of my two fish tacos to make it look like I ate something else besides veggies. I considered just purging when I got home from dinner, but friend arrived and I forgot about it.
The whole evening my stomach was making embarresing "i'm hungry" sounds. They were so loud she commented on it. I tried to make jokes about it, but it was uncomfortable.
I lasted the evening not freaking out about food and wanting to eat not too bad.
The next day, this morning, it went all down hill. We woke up early so she could get on the road again, and that left me at 9 AM with nothing to do after she left. I felt hungry. very, very hungry. My rule in my head is I can't eat till lunch time. Several cups of tea and celery sticks drenched in mustard didn't calm my ravenous hunger. I went back to sleep for an hour. I woke up, ready to take on Hunger. It was still before noon so I couldn't eat my green bean lunch. I kept grazing in the kitchen, and finally got so frustrated. It was 11:30 and I was throwing food in the microwave. An hour later, my head was over the toilet, hating myself.
Now I sit, sickly full once again, dreading my purge in a few minutes. I hate this. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be normal and free and happy. I don't want my days to revolve around food or with my head in the toilet.
Bah. Let's get it over with.