2004-07-16, 8:33 p.m.
What a shit day.
I can't remember feeling so depressed for awhile. Everything feels bleek. I went to the grocery store, as I do everyday, and everything looked like hell. I dragged my feet down the aisles and I picked up my groceries. Everything I put in my basket made me feel like hell. I came home, put my bread, tortillas, ham, diet coke, and pringles away. Then I stood in the kitchen without anything to do. So I just stood there and cried. I looked at the clock after I composed myself and didn't know what the fuck to do with myself. Honest to God, the first thing that came to my head was ways I could kill myself.
When I saw Julio yesterday, he was telling me that we'd need to tell my dad before I go into treatment. I keep thinking about how he'll react and how I'll be treated when we go home from all of that. The space between treatment and him knowing will be so akward and uncomfortable. Honestly, i'm just upset because I won't be able to get away with binging and purging. I mean, he won't try to stop me, but it's so blatantly obvious right now, and unless I want to be like "SEE, THIIS IS WHAT JULIO WAS TALKING ABOUT" i better not. God, how will I not? I don't know what I'll do. I'm panicked over the thought. My life revolves around it and to make me stop without any help is to throw me into deep water without being able to swim. If I talk to Julio about this, he'll just think it's good.
*sigh* they're going to make me eat, and im going to gain weight, and i can't handle this. i can't eat one meal without panic. i can't eat one normal bite without panic. i can't go. this is a bad idea. but if i don't go, i'll die.
what the fuck am i suppose to do. i feel like hell. like crawling in a hole and never coming out.