2004-10-05, 10:07 a.m.
Yesterday I had the old youth leader of the church, now he's the assistant teacher of the pastor, help me an essay for philosophy. I went to church to do this. I really flipped out at him. I just started my period that morning, after 6 months of nothing, so maybe I was PMSing. At any rate, he was trying to explain something to me but trying to get me to come to the answer myself and I was getting frustrated because I was not understanding. He is really, really stubborn and was not backing down. He was not going to tell me the answer no matter how much I tried to tell him I didn't understand. I blew up at him and I said "I DON'T GET IT WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME ANOTHER WAY AND I'LL STILL WON'T GET IT?" We averted to silence. I felt stupid, annoyed, and bad for snapping at him. After a few minutes of silence, and while his back was at his computer, I packed up my stuff and walked out. He shouted Hey! And my name a few times, and followed me. He touched my shoulder and I started sobbing at his touch. He asked if he did something to upset me, and even though it was partially that, I said no, because it was mostly myself I was upset at. I was thinking about how much I hated myself.
Hate has been a big problem for me lately. I think about how much I hate myself as I'm over the toilet and how awful I am, how much of a mess up I am and I should just die.
Last night I had a dream that my dad was cleaning up my dirty dishes and he shouted to me "You're such a screw up! You can't keep doing this to yourself! You're never going to be anything." I was embarresed in my dream. It made me think of the time, early Junior year when my dad was dropping me off for school. We got in a fight that morning and he was yelling at me the whole way on the car ride. I was sobbing and helpless and my dad was saying things like "You're a mess. You have to pull yourself together. Stop crying. Your health is a mess, your life is a mess. YOUR A MESS." And I just kept crying, taking it all in.
I can't stop thinking about my talk with my sister. My mom, my dad, everything, feels so hopeless. My dad is an asshole, my mom is completely out of her mind, and I'm going to have to get treatment and face up to this someday. I wonder how much longer I'm going to be able to go to class, write papers, and juggle this ED all at the same time. I almost didn't go to class today because I wanted to make binge food instead. Where are my priorities?
Something is happening inside of me.