2004-10-16, 2:44 p.m.
I think I should probably get dressed and go outside, but I have an urge to crawl back into bed.
That, or shove myself full of food food food food.
This morning I had an urge to call up an old friend and do something. Then I just sat and pondered how hard I worked to push everyone out of my life. I use to get panicky on the weekend because I didn't want anyone to call me while I was bingeing. Now I don't even worry about that. In the end, I decied it was easier just to hang out with myself today. Like everyday. I made myself about a zillion cups of tea, did pilates, and have been on the computer since. I'm pathetic.
On Monday I have this focus group thing where you basically give your opinion about new products and get paid loads of money to talk about it in a group of people. Then creepy people watch you behind those mirror glass things. Well I got called and the topic was fast food. Though I'm bulimic, I hardly ever binge on it, because it's too expensive. I never eat it on a regular basis because it's FATTENING. Anyway, I lied threw my teeth saying I eat it all the time and eat at all these different places so I'd get into the group. I really need the money and they pay like 80-100 dollars. Anyway, I made it. Hooray! Well that's not my problem. I just got a confirmation call saying the date, time, blah blah. Then she said "And don't come too full because there's going to be a taste test"
Fuck! I don't want to eat that fattening food! And I can't be like "Um..no." Because I said on the phone I eat Mcdonalds, burger king, wendy's, taco bell and tons of other places daily, and fast food in general like 15-20 times a month. I'm thinking I might spit it out into a napkin. Or say "Ew..I don't like this!" and spit it out. I'm really nervous though because what if people are chowing down full tacos and stuff? I can't eat even more then a bite of "forbidden" food without feeling guilty.
The things I do for binge food money. I really, really need money. My dad says he'll be broke till Thursday, so I can't mooch off him. Plus, the holidays are coming up. Luckily, I have no friends left so I won't have to buy for many. But I spend ALL my money on binge food so I'll need some spare cash for the couple people I'll need to shop for. It's pathetic, but I don't think I'll have an easy time parting with binge cash for presents. I tried to do this thing where I put aside 5 bucks each week for holiday presents. That lasted one week. Then I had no money to set aside.
Blah, I'm going to put on some warm ups and go to Barnes and Noble. I can see Julio shaking his finger at me right now. "get up, get dressed, and get out!" I've been sitting in my pajamas all day. Books might cheer me up.
might.