2004-11-03, 6:24 p.m.
I am in a sinking ship, bailing as fast as I can, and no one is hearing my cries for help.
My blood test results came back and I am normal. I am strangely disappointed. I want to be dying. Julio said he's been around me too long because he oddly enough understood my mentality. I felt like I deserved something to be wrong.
Julio and I talked about my mother and how she's calling me crazy because she's afraid of her craziness. We talked about my dad and how much I just wish he'd talk to me. Julio said it'd make his day if I would just voice the thoughts in my head of "I don't want your fucking vitamins, clam chowder or whatever else you try to give me whenever I'm depressed, I want you to talk to me." Most importantly, though, I told Julio I didn't care what my future held for me, I just didn't want to be a part of it. I told him I didn't feel like I had any chance to recover and I either was going to give up or die from this.
We were silent for an uncomfortable amount of die. I starred down his coffee mug in-between sniffles and wiping my eyes. He asked me what I was thinking and I read "American Psychiatric Association" off his coffee mug. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he didn't know what to say and those were some very desperate, sad words. I continued to stare, because I had nothing to say. What could I say? "Yes" ? Uh..no. Then he said one of his famous, annoying lines, "This too shall pass." i laughed and said "Hah. Ya right" he said "It will." I said "I don't believe it."
We talked about telling my dad and how I have to register for next semester soon. I blatantly said I don't feel like telling my dad ever, I just want to run my car off a cliff. He said that's very permanent. I said that's the point.
He asked me about my prescriptions and he's going to call my drug doc and see what he thinks of the stuff I'm on, if they're helping, if I need anything else. I guess that's Julio's response. I'm suicidal, shove some pills to me.
I don't have another appointment for a month which ticks me off. After that, I don't have one for 3 weeks. So this year I only see him 2 more times. The girl who made my appt told him my exact appt date too, so he's very aware I'm not coming in for four weeks. As I left, he waved and looked so sad. Like I was pathetic or something.
I left feeling hopeless and scared. Now that the hour was over, what now? More bingeing and purging. More suicidal thoughts. More failure days. Was it wrong of me to hope more out of him?