2004-11-15, 7:16 p.m.
The longer I wait to update the harder it gets. Plus, this week is going to be stressful as hell.
Yesterday I tried another binge free day and failed miserably. I went out with friends for the first time in ages and it was nice. I planned not to binge the night before, so I didn't buy any binge food that day, and stayed out with my friend's as long as I wanted. When I got home to an empty house and was starving, I just lost it. I felt so, so, miserable afterwards though. I felt worse then I do after a normal b/p because I tried so hard to resist and I just couldn't do it. It's so hard to know I couldn't beat it when I tried my hardest. I feel powerless against this stupid eating disorder. It was just so disgusting to watch myself shove food into my mouth - so out of control. Afterwards, I couldn't sleep. I think it's the medication though. These past two nights on the meds I haven't been sleeping well. I think I'll take some melatonin tonight even though I'm pretty exhausted. I tried to nap today and didn't sleep long even feeling so depleated.
I talked to Julio's office and I have an appointment tomorrow and they're going to work one out for the end of the month as well. I should be relieved but this week is so hectic. I have to make up a psychology test after my appointment with Julio, I have to study for my test, I have another test on Wednesday for math, and I have a rough draft for an english paper due Wednesday. Between all that, my eating disorder takes over and demands me to make food, eat food, and throw up food. Or I demand myself. I shouldn't blame something else. This is all my fault and I know it, but sometimes I feel like another being is taking over. I feel like shit because I know how much time and energy food takes and when I know I won't have time, I make time. Meaning I don't go to class if I can skip it. Like tomorrow I plan to skip philosophy for the third time.
I feel so drained. I sat in Math today trying to follow the problems she was writing on overhead, but as I was writing them down, half listening, half sleeping, my eyes just filled with tears and I didn't even know why. That use to happen a lot: I would sit in class and my eyes would just fill with tears. When that happened, I would just get up and go to the restroom and cry. But I was just so tired I pinched the bridge of my nose and took deep breaths and choked back my tears.
Last night right before bed, I was taking my drugs and kind of looking at the little new pill I'm on. It's odd to think that's suppose to fix me: not make me throw up, be compulsive, not pick my face. But last night I really wanted it to make me stop. I'm so tired of this. I want to get better. I can't do this alone and if this drug can help me, give me that little extra "oomf" that I need, then so be it. I kind of said to it "work work work" as I swallowed it.
Please, something work.