2004-11-24, 9:47 a.m.
Getting up in the morning is not for the weak hearted. Or the weak, under-weight bulimic. Who have I been kidding these past few days? I've been sleeping a lot, tired, and feeling like shit because I've lost weight and my body is saying "enough is enough". I woke up after 8 hours of sleep, which use to be enough sleep for me, but every muscle in my body felt like it weighed 3 times the amount it really did, and my head was glued to the bed sheets (I somehow sank down off the pillow), and I knew I wasn't going to make it to class. I felt like utter shit. I thought to myself, hm, maybe if I chop off my head that feels like it weighs 24 lbs instead of 8, I can make it to math. Hey, if I chop off my head, I'll make it to 75 lbs. Do I really want to weigh 75 lbs? At my current status of 83 -last time I checked anyhow, I'm kind of afraid to watch the scale keep creeping down and my body keeps shrinking despite the fact I won't look at the scale - anyway, at that current weight, I can only bring myself to go to morning classes once a week, I need 11 hours of sleep a night (3 more hours then I use to), cold is no longer a feeling but a condition, and I feel about 50 years older then I am...how would I feel 8 lbs lighter?
Yesterday morning as I rushed to get my clothes off and jump in the shower (so, so cold) I turned quickly to open the shower door and my body shocked me. Gasp! Hip bones. Look at all those ribs. And those thighs I've always wanted to cry over...maybe they aren't too bad. I stood in the shower pondering this revelation for awhile. Then washed my hair that is falling out.
Yesterday I spent 20 dollars on binge food. Much more then I usual spend. I felt so numb. I really didn't care. Once I got started, I just kept going. I spent 10 dollars at the grocery store, which can be normal but a little excessive, 6.50 at target, and nearly 3.50 on fast food. Oops. Where did the 20 my dad just give me that morning go? Oh. Right. Food. When I binged that evening I didn't touch half of it. Nice.
I e-mailed Julio all the information on treatment places. I asked him to please e-mail me back with what he thinks, if he needs more info, help with this and that. No response. I'm strangely not mad. I'm not even suprised. I just plan to chew him out next session. Maybe my meds are making me too calm. Haha. I'm wondering if I should ditch English on top of Math. Maybe not a good idea because I'll probably end up making food. But this bed is so warm.
I'm not depressed. Just so tired.