2004-12-08, 9:51 a.m.
I should have a giant sign pointing to me saying "This Is Mess". I can't get my life together. It's also painful and stressful to know how much I need to.
I went to bed at 8:30 last night and woke up at 9:30 this morning, missing my first class. I'm missing so much class I'm scared of getting dropped. The semester is almost over that'd be awful to happen. When I woke up, my body felt heavy and I felt like I could sleep forever and ever more, amen. Last time this happened to me I called it the "sleeping sickness". I wish I had some explanation other then I feel like shit, so tired, limbs are heavy. I have to make it to my second class or I WILL get dropped becasuse my absent limit is to the max.
Julio said there is a very healthy person in me dying to get out. This person has perceptions about my life, my dad's life, and can make these observations whenever my life is going down or when I reflect on things when I see him. Maybe I'm having one of those moments because I'm watching my life crumbling but I can't pick myself up. In my grasp I see how I should write my english paper, or some of it, and meet with my teacher today to explain why I'm so far behind. In my grasp I see the most disgusting bedroom ever that could only be making me more depressed. There is a cheeto under my monitor that I haven't moved in weeks.
Meanwhile, fear swallows me. I keep seeing hospital walls and the words UCLA flash before my eyes. I keep kicking myself because I'll have to lose Julio but he probably wouldn't of stuck with me for so long if I didn't have this disorder so who knows. This has been the shittiest year of my life, and these past two month aren't going too great either. There is so much to do: School (number one stress), christmas presents (ugh), and this eating disorder crap. I wish I could sleep through it. That's pretty much all I have the energy for.