2004-12-26, 9:38 p.m.
I hide all the food in my room in my closet. Out of site, out of mind. I want no temptation. I take the CORRECT dosage of the medication that's suppose to help me with my bulimia. I write out a food plan for a midmorning snack, lunch, midday snack, dinner, and evening snack. I incoreperate calories of my low cal hot cocoa, mints I frequently eat, and sugar free jello for "dessert". I don't want this day to fail.
I don't think about bingeing and purging much at all. I think it crossed my mind twice. Today was a small step for me. I probably ate around 300-400 calories. For dinner I had a piece of toast, dipping it piece by piece into tomatoe sauce. Having toast was huge for me. Toast and other breads are absolutely forbidden unless purging but it was 70 calories and in my "plan". Tomorrow I may make that lunch to give me energy mid-day. I need to go to the store to get more safe foods. I'm going to get bored fast. I can't live off of broth and vegetables as soup, toast, sugar free jello, and salad. I know I need protein, but that's scary to think about. I need other low calorie options. I know there are a lot out there, but to many the only thing safe is 100 calories and under.
I'm so afraid of failing. I need to keep busy which is hard to do when I have no friends and no energy to go out. Hanging around the house around food isn't helping. I just don't want to lose control and start bingeing. I'm trying to remember how awful it feels to purge. This feels much nicer to eat nice healthy foods, even if I am eating too little. I just want to lose weight.
Part of me knows this is just another way to control myself, spice things up a bit, and lose weight at the same time, but in all honesty I really am sick of this bingeing and purging cycle. I know this isn't the healthiest way to stop. I just can't imagine eating up to 1000 calories to stop.
I can't go to a hospital. bah.
Binge Free Days: 1