2004-12-30, 9:45 a.m.
I just realized something. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I think about IS NOT food. It's usually if I should make a cup of tea, update my diary, or take a shower. But it's not what to binge on for this day, whether or not I have enough money to go to the store, and how I'm going to go about cooking it without anyone seeing.
These past four or five days (how long has it been?) have been weird. I think my mind has not been thinking about food longer then that, actually. I was bingeing and not thinking about food longer then that, actually. I had the food planned out, but I'd go about my buisness throughout the day without shopping or obsessing over it. I'm either really sick of letting this consume me or the medication is doing something good.
Yesterday I helped a friend move into a new place. He use to work with the youth but now he works side by side with the pastor. Anyway, I had called him earlier in the day to see if there was anything Churchy going on that evening to get me out of the house. He said his group was taking a break for a couple of weeks but he'll let me know. We chatted for a few minutes and he said, "You know what Missy, you sound really different. You sound..good. Different, but good." I realized I felt good. I told him I felt good. Happier. Less stressed. I told him how I've been trying to be more productive with my day. He knows about my eating disorder but for some reason I didn't want to tell him yet about trying to stop.
Yesterday I didn't binge and purge. I had some mixed veggies for lunch, a salad midday, a garden burger(12g of protein!) for dinner, and 2 cups of fat free cocoa throughout the day. I also ate a couple of crackers of my dad's while playing scrabble with him. I don't know how many calories that is. I'm hoping not a lot.
I don't know if I'm losing weight or not. I'm afraid to weigh myself because I think my system is blocked up. I'm still doing my exercises. I think if I didn't lose weight, I'd freak out and go back to bingeing and puring. Or maybe not. I'm kind of okay with not bingeing and purging and eating my little meals. I still need more variety. Low cal soups would be nice.
Night time is the worse. I lay in bed and fantasize about food, certain I'm going to binge and purge the next day. But a good nights sleep changes my attitud and my mind.
Okay, day 2 once again. I made day 2 last time. Let's see if I can make day 3 this time.