2005-01-02, 11:39 p.m.
I feel awful. Near tears. I feel a breakdown coming upon me. Not even the new years card Julio and his wife sent me made a shift on my mood. Usually when he sends e-greetings they're to everyone on his email list, but I opened it and noticed it was only to me. He usually only signs his name, but Pat was included too. I can't help but to think it was because of my Christmas presents to the both of them. I was happy that he sent the card, but I just stared at the card, in a blur of tears.
I hate myself and want to die.
I didn't even make a day one. I'm having a hard time finding a purpose to keep this up. Sure, I'm not having these huge drawn out binges and purges, and what I binge and purge is miniscule compared to the old times, but I hate hate hate myself for failing. The fact that I'm trying and failing hurts worse then not trying and just knowing I'm going to binge and purge. It hurts awfully bad knowing I could go three days and I didn't even do one.
I got so angry at myself I started to dig around in the bathroom drawer for something to hurt myself with. I regained composure, and told myself I'll cut myself after I purge and bathe. I didn't though. I knew Julio would be disapointed after I was doing so well, emotionally that is. I was so happy for awhile. It figures I'd crash and burn.
I'm just so frustrated. And afraid for the future. Lately my dad has been incredibly stressed. He told me has been taking his blood pressure a few times over the past couple months or so and it's been high consistently. He's always so worked up and stressed. I can't do this to him and tell him I need treatment, I have an eating disorder, and I'm really on the edge. That will just give him a heart attack.
I wish I could just pull myself together. I'm so lonely, so bored, and so fucked up over food. My days are really wearing me down. I can't find anything to do with myself and nothing I have the energy for. The things I felt comfortable eating before (a slice of bread with veggies) is now not satisfying enough or triggering me to purge or binge. I either need to eat more to satisfy myself or find other 100 cal meals. Yea, right.
I'm going to try to take a blanket, cocoa, popcorn, a book, and my discman to the beach tomorrow for a bikeride. I need the exercise and I need to get out. I just hope I get the energy to move off from my spot on the couch. I've made it my own.
I wish I could wave Julio's magic wand and suppress my appetite. Or make myself normal again.