2005-01-09, 7:50 a.m.
My hands haven't quit shaking for days. I'm barely keeping anything down. I eat my small lunch with the intention of purging it. By the time dinner rolls around, I have only kept pudding down. Needless to say, my 100 calorie planned dinner doesn't satisfy. I eat 4 pieces of toast, some soup, and a bowl of icecream. I purge.
I hate myself. I dig my fingernails into myself while I purge. Later I see the indentations of where my nails where, and the two middle fingers left bruises. I've been wanting to hurt myself a lot lately. Want to drink till I pass out, smoke the cigarettes in my car (I smoked one of them and I got sick-I'm such a wuss), start cutting again, burn myself (oops, already did that). I feel like I don't deserve to live on the same planet as those around me unless I'm punished. Even if I'm punished. I'm bad.
I fantasize about suicide. I think about using my dad's gun in my house but that's not fair for my dad to find my body here, so I think I'd drive somewhere. I think I have an idea under what coniditions of when, if something doesn't happen, at a certain time, but I'm scared and don't want to write it.
I think that's enough for today. I'm going to lye down and think for awhile. And get ready for Church. Why do I go if I don't believe?