2005-01-11, 9:37 p.m.
I haven't b/p in 2 days now.
Before I came in to see Julio, Julio's wife thanked me for the scarf and said it kept her warm on their vacation. She gave me a hug and seemed to really like it. That made me happy.
I was honest today with Julio, but I still feel empty. I know I can't expect a miracle in an hour, but I wish he could have left me with something that would give me hope till the next time I would see him.
He didn't even seem happy, interested, or proud when I told him I've been trying to stop b/ping. The subject was changed as quick as I brought it up. It made me mad and sad. I wanted a pat on the back, I guess. He said "I'm glad you're trying to stop, but..." And that's all I got. I wanted him to push for details, hanging on my every word, but he only told me now I need to go for the next step of handing this over to a higher power. What? I'm not even perfected this step. I was angry so I said "Fuck a higher power" He tried to clarify and say it doesn't mean God. I know, I said. I Don't Care. Fuck this.
He asked if I was having second thoughts. I said yes. Why he asked? I said because it won't work for me. Why, he asked again. I couldn't think of a reason. Saying I don't know didn't satisfy him. Then the words just spilled.
Looking just past his left shoulder with my eyes watering I said because I can imagine myself going to treatment and relapsing right afterwards because I can't eat and be satisfied without wanting to throw up afterwards because I can't get a job because I think they're boring because school terrifies me because I feel like I must succeed completely or give up completely. Because I'm bound to be a loner because I hate mankind and am anti-social. Because every morning I wake up and my hands shake and my hair keeps falling out and I'm so fucking scared.
Then I start sobbing. And felt very stupid.
I apologized. He said don't. I said I'm stupid no one wants to hear this shit.
He wants me to get into a program and get my life together. He talked to me how about unhealthy it is to be alone all the time.
I came home and played cards with my family. Afterwards, I sat alone in the kitchen and cried.