2005-01-25, 10:43 a.m.
I feel like there is something wrong with me, as a person. For starters, I have no desire to have sex, like 90% of the population. Infact, I don't even want to be touched. Sex scares me and the idea of it even seems gross to me. All my friends are and have been sexually active for ages. They love it, explore it, and go wild with it. I have no stories except when I was 14 and used guys to abuse myself, even then I didn't go very far, didn't touch a guy, and tensed up when he touched me.
I still feel discluded from my peers. They dress up, wear makeup, go to parties, and drink. I still dress like I'm 10, only wear makeup to cover my zits, and the first and only time I drank I vomitted so now I'm scared to. I also hate parties because it's social and god forbid me being social. I'd rather sit at home and play video games, play on the computer, or rent a movie. Going outside to the Block, downtown, to the movies, makes me uncomfortable. The idea of a party sends signals off in my head. Strangers, drinking, passing out, and doing drugs I'd never do is not my idea of a good time. I'm a prude. And i wish I wasn't. Deep inside I want to be wild. I find a pack of cigarretes on the street. I smoke 2, on two different occasions, and get so dizzy I have to lay down. Shameful.
When I'm with a friend, and they want to rent a movie, they want to rent something like "Saved" or "White Trash" or something else remotely thoughtless, plotless, and mindless. I go along because I'm afraid to say I thought those looked so stupid and had no desire to see them.
I feel 20 years older, or like a catholic, or from a different country. Instead of I'm 18 in the OC, living with some generally good people who just like to live like normal people.
On another subject, went two days with bingeing and purging. Yesterday failed so miserable I don't want to talk about it and feel like it was a nightmare. Spent so much gift card money on food, have so much left overs, my body hurts, feel fat, swollen face, major headache hangover. Regret Regret Regret.
Tonight there is a eating disorder meeting at a Church sort of near bye (20 min or so) and I think I'm going to go. I miss all the girls. I think it would be good for me. I need to not binge tonight. It will be very tempting and easy with all this food around.
I see Julio tomorrow. If he doesn't have some significant info on my treatment place I might lunge at him from behind the table.