2005-01-28, 5:15 a.m.
this night sucked.
bad.
this night should be a clear push and reason to why i need treatment.
god, it's 5:15 and i'm still up because of my god damn bulimia. i didn't realize it was this late/early. i thought it was like 3 or 4.
I've decided something. Based on this night and other nights like this.
If I can't go 3 days without bingeing and purging, then I will tell Julio I want to go into treatment. If I can't force myself to go for that long, something I haven't been able to do for awhile, then I have to realize I'm pretty damn sick. My freedom is at stake here, so that has to mean something to me when I'm "choosing" whether or not to b/p.
Starting Friday, ending Monday at midnight. If I make it, well then I have more time to think about this and fuck myself up, I guess. I'm not saying I won't do it at all if I make it. This is just a test, I guess.
God, 5:20 AM. Never have I been up this late doing this shit. I start school Monday. I can't continue this if I want to function. All my classes are morning classes. The sad thing is, I made my scheduel like that on purpose so I'd have time to binge and purge during the evening. I read something pretty profound on the TF message board. It was something along the lines of if you're trying to make your college scheduel work around your eating disorder, you're guaranteed not to make it through spring semester.
oops. I guess I'll go to sleep. And wake up around sometime in the afternoon?