2005-02-04, 11:42
I'm losing weight. Tonight will be the fourth night I haven't binged and purged. Which is the longest I've gone without be forced for as long as I can remember. I have not been fighting the urge. I have had no will to eat. I hardly even think about food.
I am taking diet pills. I feel empty. Sometimes nauseous. Sometimes my legs feel shakey, stiff, and achey. Otherwise, I'm okay. Except I'm barely eating. I went till about 4:00 till I ate something today. I just didn't feel like it. Most days I eat earlier, but not as often or as much as I use to. And it's defiently easier to fight it.
This is scary to me. This is what I've always wanted, but I know I'm not feeling too hot. I'm getting that easily out of breath feeling I use to get at a lower weight. My arms look skinner, bones are protuding, and the coldness is getting worse.
I have no desire to stop this. I'm on a mission. Keep on dropping. How far can I go? It's only been 3 days on these pills. I can also stay awake in class for the first time ever. And I don't binge and purge. What can be wrong with that?
I take a pill in the morning to help me function at night, and sleeping pills at night to calm me down.
I take topomax evening and morning to make me less anxious, and I take Luvox morning and night for my OCD and bulimia. Pills. Pills. Pills.
"Happiness is a Choice". The author of that book should shove my pills up her ass and then try to be happy.
I wonder what it would be like to be those 18 year old college students who function normally. Date boys, go to school, work, and handle it pretty well. Laugh and party. Have normal problems like struggling with grades, boy troubles, and fights with friends. Not troubles like throwing up everything and a schizophrenic mom. I just think like... I'm going to go to college, get a stupid job, be a tiny ant in the world, and die. Whew. I don't even want to go to school and get a job and play a part in the world. Nothing in life appeals to me. I don't want to fall in love. Fail in careers. Have troubles. Life = loss. I don't want to do this whole life cycle thing. It's too meaningless. I just feel like I'm being pushed through the system and it's worthless and no one cares.
Sorry, that was my ramble.
I went to Christie's house today to get some books from Christie's mom. Later I played scrabble with Christie and her mom. Christie started talking about how she's going to buy sofas soon for her place with her boyfriend and other friend. She's almost ready to move out. I pretty much froze in posistion of a scrabble move. It really hurts to hear her talk about that. I use to be her close friend, the one who was going to move out with her, part of that inner circle. I lost my opportunity to get out of my hell hole of a home because I can't get my act together and get a job to contribute to the rent payments. I want so bad to move out and live with her, opportunity was right infront of my face, and I blew one more thing because I'm a screw up. I was about to choke up and cry right there but I tried to concentrate on my scrabble letters instead of the pattern of the couch she wanted. She doesn't even call me anymore to hang out. It was just a slap in my face that my life is down the drain.
I don't know what I'm doing on this planet. I know that sounds so trite and stupid. But I try to make friends in my classes (Just started Monday) and no one will talk to me. I feel so ugly and stupid. I'm like..cool..I feel like I'm the ugly girl in High School all over again was too much of a loser to be even acknowledged.
I'm just getting really cynical and bitter. If depression occurs in 1 out of every 5 people, then maybe it's perfectly normal. Maybe all these happy people who judge me, tell me to cheer up, and don't understand me should shove it and learn to look at the realities of the world because count 4 happy people, and the next person will think the same as me.
Maybe I'm just trying to reason with my maddness.