2005-02-06, 9:36 a.m.
I'm having trouble putting into words why things are not in the least good right now.
I think it is because I've started starving myself for nearly a week now and I don't think I will be able to stop. And I'm scared. Like the whole slipping down the rabbit hole and not being able to get out. I am seeing where I'm going, watching myself go down a dangerous path - like when I turned to bulimia - and wish I could yell at myself to get out while I can. However, I don't think I can because I've been doing this food stuff for so long.
It just feels so surreal to not eat and not want to. I guess it's that control thing. But at the same time, I'm like why? The only thing I can come up with is, why not? I have nothing better to do and I just want to disapear. It's like this contest with myself. How little can I eat and how much can I torture myself. No forbidden foods all day.
But I digress. I find myself incredibly sad feeling. No matter how trite it sounds, I feel disapointed in life. I try to recall if I ever had dreams of marriages and fun jobs and boyfriends, but I guess I've always been so down on myself that wasn't really something I pictured for myself. I've always been something of a realist and shot low. Everything looks so bleak ahead of me. I won't have my dad supporting me forever and I can't fathom supporting myself. It sounds so childish, lazy, and dependent. But I'm just not ready because I've never let myself think of the future. It's always something I've pushed to the back of my brain because..well..it's the future. And I didn't want to think about it yet because it's scary. Now it draws nearer and nearer whether I like it or not. And I still don't want to deal with it, suprisingly.
My dad isn't anymore helpful. He wants to shove me out into the daylight and say here is your briefcase, a car, go away. Then I would stand there like a naked frightened child infront of a classroom. What have I been doing for the last 13 years in school? Faking it. Crying in class. Ignoring the career parts, the realism, and writing about "life". Well now when it comes down to it, the only thing that matters is the shit I don't care about. I can bitch and moan in class about how I don't care about the basics and nonsense they teach, but I need those classes to keep on going. Now I struggle in junior college because of it. I'll never pass math and science now.
Everything is bullshit. I'm getting more pessimistic as the days go on. I get angry at everything because i feel like everything is bad and wrong and everything is going down the tubes. I take my anxiety out on my face and I've never looked more horrible. I don't want to leave the house because I have finger nail size scabs all over.
Oh, but hooray. I'm losing weight.
Fuck me, I'm an idiot.