2005-02-09, 10:37
This morning when I woke up and sat down on the toilet, my legs were shaking very bad. My hands were shaking as usual, but so were my arms. I turned around to the mirror, and my shoulders and below were also slightly shaking. After I flushed, I undressed to step in the shower and my leg shook much worse. standing in the shower, my knees and legs were wobbly shaking. This was not good. This isn't good. It's actually quite frightening.
I then when to my appt with Julio's and sat in the waiting room, willing my legs to stop shaking in the chair. I told Julio immediatly I'm a mess and that I woke up shaking. He asked if I had any idea what the problem was and I confessed to the diet pills, starving, and not b/p anymore.
He told me I don't look good at this weight when I said don't want to gain. I sarcastically thanked him. He asked me to send him the link of what kind of diet pills I bought. He asked if I have been thinking about the hospital and if this is a step towards recovery because I'm not puking. I told him I haven't thought about it and I honestly have no idea what the fuck I'm doing to myself. He suggested cross addiction. Great, just what I need.
This appointment was very scary because he was majorly pushing the hospital on me. He said no one can force me because I'm over 18, and explained unvoluntary admintance, which he has no power to do, but he said I really need to be in a hospital or atleast some kind of day program. Minimum going to a meeting every day. He even brought up a company or something that does outpatient programs through his office three a times a week for a few hours. Very intensive, he says. He wants to look into it. He was very persistant about me making SOME kind of steps towards recovery.
When I said I was shaking at one point in our meeting, and stuck out my hand to show him, he took my hand in his sandwich style and said "They are freezing too. Get someone to hold your hand, figuritively, to take you to your meetings. Like your sister." I just started crying and said, "She hates me. She'll lecture me." He replied, "Maybe at first. But you need the support." His eyes teared up for a second. I kept crying. It was like, a made for TV moment. Then he said "I'm rooting for you, girl." And patted my hand, and let go. At the same time, we wiped our eyes. We kind of laughed at that.
Julio has been the last person to really pressure me into this and now he is too. It's just so, so scary because it makes me realize, shit, that must mean either I look like hell from this weight loss and he's worried and this is getting serious. Something along those lines.
Some appointments I try to explain to Julio how shitty and depressed I've been feeling, and I don't know if Julio gets the full picture. But today, right off the bat, he just said he knows things are a mess and this isn't a good time of my life. Being totally sympathetic instead of saying "I never said this would be easy." I mean, he didn't keep that attitude the whole appt, but I was half glad and half scared. Finally! I don't have to make sure in my mind that he gets what I feel. But holy shit..if he really knows..REALLY knows..then I must be a total wreck.
But I don't want to face my wreck of a life. I just want to close my ears and go "LA LA LA" and keep pushing it away. It's weird, but everytime I remember that I'm "not eating" now, I get a slight panic in my heart. It's like, now I know my life is in a slight more danger. That my health isn't as good. That I'm a weaker, more out of breath, and so god damn tired. Can't I yell "LA LA LA LA LA" Till it's gone and wake up from a really long bad dream?