2005-02-14, 12:03 a.m.
Absolutely exhausted, but will update. Tomorrow will be two weeks without barfing, which is insanely long for me. I'm mostly eating popcorn, sugar free pudding, and frozen veggies every day. Not exactly nutritious, but the only things I feel comfortable eating.
I'm falling apart physically. Today I woke up and my hands were shaking so bad I was having a hard time typing on my laptop. Everyime I stood up the room would spin and blur, or if I stood up too fast, it would go black for a second. If I was walking around my house for too long, I'd need to sit down and put my head in my lap for a second. I don't understand this. I'm not fasting or anything. I am eating, maybe not a lot, but why am I so weak from 2 weeks of this?
A girl from those eating disorder meetings I go to invited me to a Bright Eyes concert tomorrow. I really want to go, and I really want to get to know this girl, but I'm afraid I won't be able to withstand the duration of the concert. I haven't heard back from her since yeesterday, but if she calls tomorrow to confirm the plans, I'll go. I almost hope the plans fall through because I am so exhausted and need all the veg time I can get.
Ah, Valentine's day is tomorrow. I won't even rant and rave about it. I'm alone. V-day doesn't change anything. It's just a holiday that emphazizes that fact and makes me feel like shit.
I've dropped 6 and 1/2 lbs since I've stopped purging. I wonder how much further this can go? If something bad will happen to me? I was really pooped doing all my homework today. I had to take breaks inbetween each assingment. I am pushing my limits. Last night i went to bed at 5 am, and woke up at 10. Now I'm going to bed at 12:30, and need to wake up at 6:30. This isn't helping.
Right now I'm sad and lonely. As stupid as it sounds, I want someone to care for me. I want someone to be so crazy about me, they can't wait to hang out with me, talk with me, and do things for me. I want to have a great relationship with someone. A bond. Something special. I want someone to love me. I don't want to be alone. If I had things the way I wanted, I wouldn't be anxious about the day. I wouldnn't feel insecure about the way I look or how I act. I'd have friends. I'd have a boyfriend. I'd have energy and make the grades I'm capable of. My mom's insults wouldn't bother me.
I won't be scared.