2005-02-17, 1:28 a.m.
Shit is happening. I use to have a second family. I lived there a bit when I wasn't living at home for 3 months about 2 1/2 years ago. Now this second family is going through changes and having troubles and I feel the pain as well. I want everything to be okay with them because if everything is okay there then atleast one thing is stable in my life.
The parents are divorcing, the mother is seeing someone else. The father is acting superficial and overly nice. The oldest brother is going to outpatient for his heroin addiction. The other brother was caught drinking (17) and is oddly depressed, sobbing, and dresses in all black. My friend Christie, how I know the family, is moving out. She's leaving me. She acts like a know it all, we pretend nothing is wrong between us, and I have no idea what is going on between us. The youngest daughter in the family is going through teenage rebellion "I hate everyone in the family" when she use to hang out with me and her sister. She's withdrawn, black make up, and angry. Everything is different there.
Home, of course, is no better. I come home to a silent people. There is my brother playing video games, the radio on in the kitchen, and the clanks of dishes, but no acknowledgment that I exist. If i make conversation, it sure as hell doesn't seem they care what I'm saying. I am tempted to test this theory and say something totally ridiculous, but instead I lay on the couch. My dad asks if my brother and I want to play cards. My parents and my brother and I gather around the table. Mid game, my brother makes a comment about his hand and my mom says "Oh who cares!" very rudely. I am appaled by this, but my dad doesn't say anything, as usual. I say something to her, she says nobody cares about me, my dad tells US to cut it out, not defending me or the fact that someone cares about me. So I get up and leave.
When my dad came home from work this evening, I was on the computer in the same room my brother was playing video games. I greeted my dad and I don't even think my brother noticed he was home. My dad blew me off and walked over to my brother. He started blabbing on and on to him. My brother hardly acknowledged his story, never taking his eyes off his video games, giving him some grunts ever so often
HELLO. I want to talk. I want you to converse with ME. OTHER CHILD OVER HERE.
I'm fucking sad and lonely and as cliche as it sounds...feeling unloved and unloveable. My family..the one who is suppose to love you know matter how much you fuck up doesn't give a shit whether I rot or live, whether I'm here or there, and doesn't want a thing to do with me. Infact, I'm guessing they are still kicking themselves for carelessly popping me out. Honestly, I want to kick them too. I don't want to be here anymore then they want me. Something tells me life shouldn't be like this. Or perhaps that your family should treat you better then dirt. I try to imagine parents that inquire about your day but this is a foreign concept to me. But I know parents are suppose to love and nurture you. I can't remember a single time in my life my mom showed anything kind towards me. The last time my dad and I laughed was because we were joking about my mom dying. Did I make my life like this, or was it destined to be this miserable? As my dad once said "Life sucks, than you die". I just wish the dying part would speed up.