2005-02-20, 10:00 p.m.
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel stupid, frumpy, ugly, and out of place every where I go. Walking around I duck my head because I feel like people look at me like I'm stupid or ugly. I feel like a side show freak and that I look extremely different. I'm not trying to place myself above others as unique, because god I don't want to look as I do, but it just feels that way. I'm probably nothing special. I just can't handle myself properly. It's like someone forgot to hand me the how-to manuel on the first day of life. I just feel ashamed of who I am and how I look. I just feel so...small.
Last night I went to an AA meeting with Jen, the girl who took me to the concert, and the speaker said it so perfectly. He was talking about this very same thing, the confusion about this feeling, the loneliness, and how, "It's not like in third grade you could lean over to the guy next to you and say, "Are you ever just scared to death?"
Everyone laughed when he said that but I just wanted to cry. I've felt like that ALL my life. Just on the outside looking in at myself. Like WHAT's wrong with me. I'm ashamed of my eating disorder, I have no self idenity, I have no idea who I am.
I've spent my whole life trying to fit in with other people or cliques, I can't tell if when I'm acting "natural", if that is me really natural or they've molded me. I just want people to like me so bad. I'm afraid of rejection. When I get with the tough group, I start cursing, acting tough, and throw all my morals out the window. When I get with another, I do the exact opposite. It doesn't matter how I feel, I just need to gather up all this energy and please them. Please Like Me Accept Me Be My Best Friend Forever And Ever.
And now I'm having this struggle with Jen. I'm so afraid she's not going to like me. I try to make her laugh, dress the way I think she would like, and always be awake and alert. Everytime we hang out I try to set another day to hang out because I don't want this friendship to end. I haven't had a friend I've liked like this for...never. I know I sound like I'm like, obsessed creepily and love love her, but I don't, really. She's just the type of friend I've always wanted. I've never really related to any of my past friends. So I guess I'm panicked. Yesterday we went to the AA meeting then back to her apartment. Tomorrow were suppose to do something. I hope i'm not overwhelming her. I don't know if she's hanging out with me because she thinks/knows im lonely or because she wants to. I don't want to ask her and ruin it.
Total 180 on topic: Been living on popcorn and sugar free pudding. I feel like I'm eating way way too much because I'm eating an absurd amount of those two foods but I'm still at 80 lbs. I just am always hungry. Ugh. I feel wrong when I want to eat and wrong when I'm not hungry. If I'm not hungry, then I am fat and going to gain. If I am hungry, then the diet pills aren't working. The only good is not hungry and didn't eat. But then I'm weak and really fucked up health wise. I can't win. Even if I do eat very little and am not hungry, I start to panic. I'll never be normal with this food thing.
I see Julio on Tuesday. I use to so so look foward to these appointments and now all I see it is a burdan in the middle of my day. I feel stupid for going there and irritated at him. I don't know what I want. The whole situation makes me uncomfortable, probably because it's about facing up to my issues. LA LA LA i'm not SICK.
I want more pudding or popcorn but I shouldn't eat more.