2005-03-22, 10:06 p.m.
Things aren't good. At all.
Instead of crying seemingly most of my days, I'm now angry, depressed, and numb.
Today was practicularly bad. I did not know how I was going to get through school when I felt a million miles away from the earth. Driving to school and walking around campus felt like walking through a cloudy haze.
In math, I got so upset over not getting the homework, I started scribbling angry words all over my homework. At the end of our class, not a lot of people got the example, so she gave the option to stay or go like if we had another class or work or something. Everyone stayed put like diligent students. I was going to stay, even though I wasn't doing work for the last 20 min...I'm just a natural suck up. Then I thought...why? Who am I trying to impress. She doesn't care. I was the only one who got up and left.
People use to tell me that I am smart, or wise beyond my years, or other shit like that. I honestly can't see it. I honestly think I'm dumb. When I got my psychology test back I wrote Julio this e-mail:
"48% on my psychology test... I got a 29 / 60. Dang! If I only got one
more right I would've got a perfect even 50% for the F.
Maybe if I take the class for the THIRD time I can accomplish that.
I am so, so smart. Genius level, infact.
M"
He replied with:
"Persistance is a quality that leads to success in life.
PLEASE don't make a case for you being a general fuckup!
Unless you plan on convincing me that there is such a thing as a
"black and white" in life.
J"
THEN i replied with:
"Persistance is the quality that is leading me to feeling exhausted,
bitter, and wondering why I am getting no where. Persistance does not
always get you somewhere. Sometimes it is better to just throw your
arms up in the air and give up. Is it not black and white thinking to
believe persistance = success, lack of it = failure? I wish that was
the case because i haven't surrendered yet, but I don't see any
success in my life. I know you're going to say keep persisting, but I
can't help to think of how foolish I would be or anyone else like me
would be to keep on trucking and never suceed. It feels useless."
I see him tomorrow. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel so numb like I have given up. I don't want to think about how much i'm fucking up and going down the toilet and what's going on. I guess it's kind of a "I surrender" feeling or approach. I can't do this anymore. I'm out of emotions. Like I said last week, I cried them all out to Julio, he couldn't help, no one can help. I can't even pass simple Junior college, my family are unsupportive assholes, i have no friends. Okay, I Surrender...I wasn't meant to get anywhere. I have been persisting this sterotype of a successful life all my life, and I've had to try harder then everyone else, and yet i haven't got anything they have. It's not meant to be. I'm one of those people they need to kill off for over population or something.
Cool, whatever, I didn't even want to be persisting for so long anyway. I filled out a living will. i just need witnesses to sign it. i'm thinking my brother and dad.
not everyone can be superheros, or role models, or great career type people. I don't want to be a house wife or an average joe. So I just gotta go. The meaning of life is to find your meaning and fufill it. I don't think my meaning is to sit around and feel miserable and putt through jr college. i think i'm just a bad seed.
If I were to be in "It's a Wonderful Life" and they were to show how the world would be without me, it would run exactly the same. My family would probably be better off. I'm just a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things.