2005-03-28, 12:11 a.m.
I fucked up again. Saturday night, home alone, I was going downstairs to get something safe to eat and I gave in too easily. It was very similiar to last Saturday night when I broke my 40-something streak of no bingeing purging. This time, though, I barely fought it. I dove into the icecream like an old friend, broke out the pie, and decided from there if I am going to do this I am going to do this right. Last week I barely felt like I binged but I went all out last night. I felt so completely numb throughout it, an hour after i purged I already forgot it happened. Today, too, it was wiped from my memory. I went on with my day without recollecting the previous evening. Routine went on...eat very little...try to keep busy...relax...then something(no idea?) triggered it. Oh ya, oops. Now I have zero days again.
Today I was craving veggies and cheese, like I had last night, and was considering bingeing and purging on them but I was too tired. I feel myself falling back into old habits. It's hard to try to quit this when I don't care about myself in the least. A friend of mine, responsible working 24 yr old adult, who knows about my eating disorder, offered to pay for multiple visits to a nutritionist for me. He is very concerned, I guess. I know that was a nice offer, but I don't want to go, and I don't even care about my health so sacrificing weight gain for health isn't a priority. Death is a dream of mine.
Oh, that reminds me. I had quite puzzling dreams last night. Nothing is more boring then hearing other people's dream so I'll cut to the chase. When I woke up from them, one of them had me remember a memory of this creepy guy in my neighborhood who took me to the circus. I was just telling my therapist about the creepy guy, but I forgot he took me to the circus. The other dream reminded me of an old fling that gave me back rubs and makes my stomach turn just thinking about our old "relationship". We basically just fooled around, never dated. But he honestly took the advantage over being older than me, and my lack of expierence and nievity. Being depressed with lack of self-esteem didn't help either. I think these things play a part in why I have such a problem with personal space and being touched.
I've been pretty depressed at home. Last Christmas my dad brother and I made up this lie about going to Church so we all could go out together. So today on Easter my mom said she wanted to go to Church with us. MY church which is the worse thing ever, because my church is my safe haven, my place where she'll never go and where my friends are. She kept asking all of us if were going and what time the services were. I ignored her, my brother said he would go if we were (he's christian) and my dad didn't want to start a fight so he said he could go with eric, or he doesn't know yet. When my mom was out of the room, my dad and i joked about the idea. I told my dad how horrible it would be for her to go to my church because it's my safe place and my friend's know of her. I said I'd have her go there over my dead body.
The next day(saturday) my brother said he won't be going because he'll be too tired after snowboarding. I told my mom I'd never show up with her at my church, i'd die first. She said to my dad "Well, fine then. Dad and I will just go" My dad said NOTHING. I was so, so angry. He knew how much I didn't want her to go. Plus, I've invited my dad many times to my church and he avoided it or said no. Now all my mom had to do was be a manipulative bitch and he caves in to avoid an argument.
The next morning they didn't go. I don't why or what happened but I was planning on trying to stop it or severly getting in my dad's face. If anything, I was going to tell him if she wants to go to church, go to any church but mine.
Easter, this morning, I woke up depressed. I felt like seeing Jen so I called her and asked her to give me a call so we can hang out. She called me and said her family is down, they're entertaining, we can all hang out. I regretted immediatly calling her. I didn't feel like leaving the house or being in my house or anything. I didn't know what I wanted. But I got dressed and got my directions and met up with her. The idea of driving and finding my way made me anxious and depressed. I felt depressed the whole time I was with her. I just wanted to leave. i felt like I was waiting for the appropriate amount of time to stay so I can say I'm leaving.
Then I came home and got into bed and slept. When I woke up I was confused. I thought it was day time but realized it was late at night. I was sad because it was the same day and I wanted the day to be over.