2005-04-04, 2:40 a.m.
Dang, it's been awhile. I keep putting off updating.
But I guess there isn't much new to update on. Okay, I'm lying. I'm avoiding how shitty things are. I've stopped caring about trying to be abstinent from purging. I mean, sure I am not sure I am not purging on a daily basis, indulging on grocery goods, but I am not making a concious effort either. Tonight I was craving bread and cheese and butter. Without trying to fight off my hunger with safe food I decided, eh, fuck it, I'll binge. It didn't matter to me that I have class tomorrow morning at 8 AM. The purge went horribly. The purge was like the ones I was having before I was try to quit...slow. I couldn't get myself going. I was reluctant, angry at myself for taking to long, and doing everything but purging in the bathroom (plucking my eyebrows, picking my face, chest, and legs, and clipping my finger nails) anything to avoid the inevitable. When nearly an hour passed, and I felt disgusting and ashamed, the anger pushed me over to purge nonstop without a break. I confronted the mirror, feeling like I was going to pass out, and looking like it as well. Tonight I am wearing one of my brother's under shirts and my face matched the bleach white color of it. I had contrasting vomit streaked in the corner of my mouth and my forehead was flushed brightly against my pale cold skin.
How in the world did I do this every night before? I use to vomit late into the night, every night, and go to school for 8 hours, come home and buy food, and repeat.
And now that I don't care that I'm falling back into my old behavior makes me feel more hopeless then ever. I just can't function as a human being. Forget my 2 year suicide pact...I'm knocking it down to 1. One year even seems extruciatingtly long. If things don't improve in a whole year then I don't care what lies after that.
god, i can smell vomit on me. as a person, i am worse than vomit.
I feel royally screwed over. I've been going to therapy, I'm taking the medications, reached out to people and despeartly wanted their friendships, gone to social occasions when I'd rather stay home, am trying in school when my home life is beating me down, I've been trying to go to meetings, and what do I get in return?
My mother calls me worthless, insane, and tells me to move out. She threw my clothes out into the gutter because I TOOK A SHARPIE OUT OF HER ROOM. Oh no, not that! Then because I wouldn't move away from the desk where the waste basket was, where she wanted to dump the 3 hole punch, she started to dump all the little circles on me...before I grabbed it from her and chucked it across the room...where it hit our table, broke open, and scattered our office with mini circles from punching holes in papers.
I also get a dad who watches events like this, and worse, on a near daily basis and turns his back to my tears. What's worse, I struggle for his love because it's all I have and he ignores me.
All the therapy and medication I diligently attend and take don't help. It just makes me feel worse that one more thing has failed me.
I also like how all my friends have chosen this particular time to ditch me. Or I ditched them. Whatever. I still hold it against them. If they liked me, they'd try harder. If they had half a brain they'd see that something is going on. No one loses 30 lbs in 6 months and falls into depression and is okay.
I get a deep feeling that i just want love. But I defiently know my urges to be thin and lose weight are more then cries for attention and love. I remember when things with Jen didn't work it was because I thought she was someone who was as needy as I. I thought she needed me. I wanted her to love me deeply and depend on me and we'd have this super tight bond. But I found out that she's independent and has lots of friends and it's not that way. I wanted to be special in someone's eye. But I feel like shit. I feel ordinary or below ordinary. No talents and struggling to make the cut. I want someone to look at me and say "Wow, she's something else". Hah, dream on. There's not an original idea in my head. Not an original quirk or personality trait going for me.
Tonight I was tempted to leave my dad a note on the kitchen table for him to get in the morning: saying "Dad, I love you, have a good day. Love, Melissa" But I honestly don't know if it was because I wanted to show love or wanted him to love me. I think I'm just maniuplative in all ways. I think that's just something I wish he would do for me. Or anyone in the fucking world, for that matter. A random act of kindness towards me would make me drop dead in shock - and make my life complete. I don't think anyone has ever thought of me randomly throughout their day. I'm a fucking no one. I use to get so excited if someone would say "Oh, me and ____ were just talking about you". Call it an ego trip, but it meant I existed for a second.
No one wants me. I'm a worthless fucking piece of shit. No one wants me and I don't want me so why am I even trying.