2005-05-01, 9:57 a.m.
everything is crumbling. i've gained so much weight. I haven't been at this weight for ages and I can't stand to live in this body. I don't go outside unless I have to. I've started to puke up everything and work out everyday but MY WEIGHT IS STAYING THE FUCKING SAME. I feel like a cow. If I'm still this weight on Wednesday, I'm not going to therapy. It's too embarresing. I ordered ephedra online. It's my only hope. Everyday I anxiously check the mail for it. Where the fuck is it? I'm so fat. Sometimes I eat something safe, like a salad, but I decide to purge it anyway. I can't get fatter. My throat and stomach always feel acidy from this. I wish I was 78 lbs again.
But eating safe foods isn't working always. I went out to dinner with my 'rents and I planned to get soup and salad or something to that extent. It was a mexican restaurant so safe healthy food is limited. I ordered veggie fajitas and a garden salad. I was starving. I ended up bingeing on the fajitas, making 4 burritos with beans, rice, guacomole, and veggies out of flour tortillas provided. I tried to go purge in the public restaurant but the place was so busy people kept coming in and out. I gave up and went back to our table. Being busy, getting our check and getting out of there was extruciatingly slow. Finally, I thought we were home free when my dad complained about a mischarge on our bill. I wanted to kill him because i just wanted to get home to purge. Knowing that it would take forever for them to correct it, I asked my dad for the keys to his car to warm up and blow off steam. I sat in the car for 2 minutes before I eyed the sav on down the road. I jogged over, found the bathroom, and purged. Jogging back, I found my parents in the parking lot in the car driving around trying to find me. Oops. I didn't provide an explanation even though I already had one in my head.
I'm usually good at lying. At Mother's Market yesterday I wanted to get some supplements because I heard from a message board I go on they suppress appetite. I found them and asked my dad to buy them. Being 10 dollars, and my dad having no idea what they were for, he questioned me to the max. I was silent and just asked him to buy them. He sadly said "I wish I knew what they were for." He seemed worried.
I honestly wouldn't mind being hospitalized right now, if it wasn't for my eating disorder. I'm ready to throw in the towel. I know I'm at the end of my rope. I want to go far far far away from life and curl up in a hospital bed and numb myself with drugs and cry and wish away the world. I know, though, the only way to get IP treatment is for my eating disorder and that will just get me fatter. Julio doesn't think I'm depressed enough for IP for depression.
I almost want to OD just to show him.
I almost did.
Sometimes I hear distant sirens of fire trucks or police cars and I pray with all my heart they are coming for me. I pray they will take me to a safe place, a loony bin, I don't care. I just want all my worries to be taken away and people can take care of me. I pray so hard that I feel like I jinxed the prayer by asking so much. I pray that the phone will ring with someone to help me. I make stupid wishes like "If god was real, then when I get coffee at this place, someone I know will be here to talk. I just need someone to talk. God, if you're real, anyone I know at Starbucks." Then there's no one and I go to the bathroom and cry. I walk out and buy nothing and the workers glare at me for using the bathroom and not buying anything. I want to tell them, I would've bought something if you'd be my friend.
My thoughts are getting seriously weird.