2005-05-04, 12:27 p.m.
oi. full morning.
I saw my drug doctor this morning. He seemed to struggle to keep the conversation/appointment going as I wasn't in a talkative mood. I just felt/feel too sad, depressed, and hopeless. The appointment felt stupid because the meds aren't helping. He brought up Jen at the end of the appt, and I started to cry a little. A minute later, I was leaving, dabbing my eyes with a tissue as I rushed out. He called out "Bye" and "I'll pray for happiness" but I didn't say anything. I just left.
I came home, did pilates, filled my prescription, then it was time to go see Julio. My mood had not changed, if anything just worsened. Julio told me he sat down with BQ(drug doc) and talked at length about my treatment. My heart went thump thump as he explained everything they went over: meds, family, and how I seem to be relapsing. The whole appointment with Julio was similar of BQ's...it struggled to go on. There was many silences and I kept contemplated walking out. At one point, I yelled at him. bI told him I wanted to die, so why should I go inpatient if I don't want to recover for any life? He just said "ok" I said "ok what?" because he always does that to me, then he said "ok that's the end of that you just shut down the conversation. What am I suppose to say to you being suicidal and you won't try?" He said kind of irritated like. So that's when I got angry and said "You want me to tell you what I'm thinking, and then you get mad. If I say 'i don't know' you get mad. what am i suppose to do? i'm sorry i'm suicidal. i'll try harder to want to live next time so you won't get mad at me." We were silent for 5 minutes. I watched the clock. The only noise was my sniffles.
Finally he said "sweetie, i wish i didn't have to push you, and bug you about this, but you know you need more help. i'm on your side." I replied "are you?" he said "yes". To show I was sorry, I said softly "thanks". I meant it. I don't need anymore enemies.
At the end of our appointment, he said he wants to see me next week. When he told the person behind the desk to move someone to fit me in next week, she said "wow, you must be..." I thought to myself fucked up? but she said "special. he rarely does that. he's way too full."
Julio then handed me a lollipop from the candy dish. This week, I didn't cry when I left the office, but I feel so numb.
I think I will take a nap.