2005-05-18, 12:38 p.m.
I've left my house. I don't know if I've ran away or if i've just temporarily relocating. My dad and brother had a huge fight a couple mornings ago, a few hours later, after my brother and father left, I left as well. My dad left for work, my brother left to his new apartment, and I left to my friend Christie's former house (whom I'm close to her mom). The fight between my dad and my brother was probably over something small but I think my dad just snapped. From what I heard he snapped over my brother being ungrateful and keeps being rude to my dad. Something happened to trigger my dad to yell "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE" and "YOU'RE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT". I've never heard him like this.
I don't know why, but THEIR fight triggered me to want to get out of the house. I just can't handle the craziness anymore. I was telling Julio today that I just feel like i can't be in that house. It's just driving me insane because my mom being insane is heartbreaking and my dad not enforcing anything is also heartbreaking. Everything feels like its collasping because my family and food is just too much to take. I don't want to be anymore: sure, being at Christie's is better than at home, but even here isn't much better. I'm not comfortable anywhere. I even purged here twice. Julio wasn't happy about that. Julio said I reacted sanely to my dad and brother's fight and said I should stay away at Christie's as long as I like. I just want to die, and I kept thinking as he said I should stay away, that I want to stay away in death. Julio said he wants to see me weekly now instead of every other week, which pleases and worries me. Like, what happened that he wants to change that? I know I am a mess and this just confirms it. I wonder what changed that made him see this.
I keep missing school, and I told Julio this as well. I just don't see an end to anything. We joked at the end of the appt about a bulimic cookbook: what's pukable and what's not. I stopped crying, finally, because I was crying so hard.
Last night sleeping at Christie's I just started sobbing. I couldn't stop. It's hard when you look around and you're in an unfamiliar bed and room and you know it's because you can't go home. You can't go home because your home is a place of insanity, depression, and darkness. It just holds bad memories and the second you walk in the rooms close in bad memories flood your mind. But home is naturally a place you WISH you could go. And your parents are people you WISH you could love and be close to.
I feel overwhelmed. Like there is always something I should be doing. I should be exercising and taking a diet pill or doing homework or dressing better or SOMETHING. I'm just not right and things are right. Everytime I eat I am overwhelmed and everytime I am not eating I am overwhelmed with hunger. I am always anxious with sandess and anxious for my future.
Still at christie's...using her laptop. Distraction keeps me from writing coherant entries. Going to to try to read and do homework.