2005-08-01, 9:41 p.m.
All day, everything has been making me upset. I've been in a horrible mood and I can't figure it out nor make myself snap out of it.
Every noise from my mother makes me want to burn my ear drums. I am so, so aggitated. The way she walks, every way she acts insane, moving a chair - all of it is making me feel insane because it's making me so upset. My dad has been equally bothering me. Him sitting and watching TV is pissing me off. His lack of movement and actions was irritating me all evening. I don't want him around, to look at me, or to talk to me. I feel defensive.
My heart won't stop racing even though I'm tired. My thoughts are going a mile a minute. I keep thinking how everything is wrong and how I want to yell at so many people for so many things and then I think about how yelling at them would be pointless because everything is pointless and how people are stubborn and stupid and nothing changes.
I can't stand to be in my own head right now. I try to think of something to do to make me feel better, relax, and cheer up - like take a walk or have a bath or go to the bookstore - but I didn't bring myself to do anything. All the noises in my house were and are making me want to claw a wall so I went up to my silent room and laid on my bed for a long time.
At 7, I took four sleeping pills. I still don't feel any more relaxed. It feels like it's hard to breath and my chest is contracting. I try to figure out what's bothering me but then I think of all the things that could be bothering me and all the things wrong and I avert my mind. I can't think about all these things. Tears have been on surface all day today - pounding at my skull and the back of my eyes - but I can't cry and don't want to cry.
I want everything to go away. I want to die. When I took two sleeping pills out of a prescription bottle full of various pills, I stood there with my eyes locked on the orange bottle for a long time. My hands shook and I wanted so badly just to take all the pills in addition to the sleeping pills. I thought I could take all those pills, the rest of my sleeping pills, all the pain killers, and whatever old anti-depressants were prescribed me. They were all lined up in my medicine cabinent and the question of two sleeping pills or over dosing seemed like a very calm rational decision to have to make.
I took two sleeping pills because it was too confusing. Then laid down. 30 minutes later i took two more and a topamax. I thought about all the drugs I consumed that day and how many pills I pop everyday and how I'm probably contaminating my body beyond repair. And how yesterday when I purged, the first heave burned so bad coming up I almost doubled over. I thought about how fucked up my body must be...and how when I went to the gym yesterday I could barely work out because I have no stamina, and no energy. And now I'm so sore from the very little work out I did have. But all that thinking about how my body is probably in worse shape then a 70 year old's made my heart pound, so I laid down again. But this time I put a pillow over my head and screamed.
"Somebody should just commit me now. I am not longer competent."
"I should either clean up or kill myself. This is a worthless way to live."
-More, Now, Again