2005-08-08, 2:36 a.m.
God, it's a good thing it's summer. Because I could not keep up with this late not bingeing and purging habit if it was not.
On second thought, because of how I recently been feeling, I don't think I'm going to be able to keep up with much of anything the way I'm going.
Today was probably the first day I seriously was scared for my health. I had to realistically face that I am not doing so well and the reasons why. No, I am not at my lowest weight but I don't think my body is as strong as it use to be. I can't handle weight loss as easily as I use to...so the recent weight drop I had isn't being taken so well. I don't think my body can take being at this low of a weight. I defiently don't have the energy I use to nor the means to get them. Caffiene or diet pills or whatever don't compensate for my bodies lack of energy. I feel totally and utterly drained. By drained, I mean getting up to use the bathroom or get something to eat makes me feel nauseous or weak...like the flu. I want to eat, but in order to eat I have to purge and I don't have the energy to purge.
It's scary to feel like what I can't control is destroying me.
I am being defeated.
my mother is REALLY getting to me lately but I can't bring myself to speak of it or write about it. but i feel like i should say something...or atleast mention it here in my diary. i should make an effort to talk to Julio about it on Wednesday.
Oh, speaking of Julio. I e-mailed him and part of the e-mail I mentioned the appointment and apologized for freaking out and blah blah. He said:
"Do not apologize for argueing with me. That is what makes a relationship. Two points of view and two people standing up for their own with an ear open to the others point of view.
I do have your best interest in mind but I can make mistakes (no really!) and you always need to keep your best interest in mind.
I'm glad you went to a meeting. Keep working on the 3Gs!!!!
Oh, I will inform you when I have more information. Pat has not had a chance to call St Joseph's yet."
So I guess everything is cool, though I still feel kind uneasy weird.
Ok, time for late night laundry.