8/16/05, 2:14 AM
I should not be awake right now. Infact, I should've been asleep ages ago.
I just need to write, though. I feel like I am going fucking mad. These late night binges, picking and squeezing my body apart, and disconnected emotions are honestly starting to worry me.
Most of my days I've been spending hours on the computer, not doing anything productive. I use to hate feeling like I didn't do something productive atleast once a day. Now I don't feel. I just am.
Whenever I would get out of control with my body picking, I could usually reason with myself. I'd reason mid-season that I need to stop because I'm going to regret the results in the morning. I'd be able to snap out of the daze it put me in. Most of all, though, I'd be able to not have a repeat bad session for several days. This has not been the case as of late. I have seem to thrown all self-control and reasoning out the window. I have slipped into this "fuck it" mode regarding everything.
My mood has been off as well. I don't feel content, but disconnected. I wonder if I am slipping into a bad streak of depression. I am not social in the least and do not have the will to go outside. I've stopped exercising again, despite the fact I feel like I am gaining weight. I have also become pretty closed off to my dad. I spend all day trying to control how I eat, usually in failed attempts abusing diet pills.
Generally, I feel really fucked up right now. I don't like who I am and what I am doing. When I am thinking, just letting my mind wander, sometimes I'll refer to the future as "When I get beyond this" or "when I get better". It makes me think that part of me has a feeling I will get out of this shit hole some day, even if it's a journey. On the other hand, when I don't let my mind free associate, I fear that I am going to turn into someone like my mom. In the evenings when I make trips to the kitchen for binge food, or just safe food, or whatever, I see her on the living room couch for hours. She sits there with the lights on, not reading, or anything. Just starring. She is scratching her arms and picking at them and totally off into space. I look at my own arms and think "jesus christ, I am going to be like her". But the rate I am going, I'll be locked up by the time I'm her age. My arms look like I got attacked: inflamed bumps everywhere, some scabbed, others just very red and oozing fluid.
This evening as I got ready for bed, after I purged even though I didn't want to binge, and before I started to write this entry even though I should be asleep, I got a scary glance of myself. I was in the bathroom washing up. I caught my reflection as I walked from the sink to the shower to get my toothbrush, and I was revolted by it. I've been feeling like I've gained a lot of weight lately, like i'm this huge fat monster, but the reflection I caught was something you'd usually refer to as "skin and bones". I was wearing a wife beater, and on my shoulders next to the straps were inflamed bumps and scabs. Inbetween the straps above my chest was spotted as well. My face looked identical, and going down my arms looked worse.
I am seriously disgusting.
And I'm scared, I guess. And sad. Waking up to another day means deciding whether or not to take way too much ephedra and phentermine or try to tough out the day. Or do I just want to binge? And should I get some food for that binge? It's funny, I felt way way too exhausted to binge and purge tonght. I thought today was going to be a freebie but because I wanted rice, I caved. My body is saying no, I'm exausted, probably getting sick, but I keep pushing it. Now i'm wired. My hands won't quit shaking, my legs shake if I don't sit on my feet, and my whole body is sore in more ways then one - surface and muscle.
It scares me because i feel like I can't get a grip on this. I can't make myself stop picking at myself and I can't make myself realize my body is worn out and I need to let it rest. I don't know how to eat. I feel like eating one meal makes me gain weight I can't afford.
I see my drug doctor tomorrow morning. I have to be up in a little over 4 hours. I wish so much he could prescribe a pill that would make me stop being so obsessive, or make me want to go outside, not be afraid of talking to people, and would calm the anxieties in me of gaining weight from eating anything other then frozen yogurt and 94% fat free popcorn. It's all in my head: how I should be and how I should feel and what needs fixing but what's in my head and what's reachable seem very very far apart. Life feels too complicated for me.