2005-09-11, 3:47 a.m.
Today was not a good day. I had three purge sessions which isn't common for me. What I didn't like about it all was they were all very spontaneous and felt very careless.
My body felt sore and tired before the first one. The roof of my mouth felt raw when I woke up. So I told myself to take it easy today...one session, small session..max. The first time I puked I decided I didn't want that apple and cinnamon/splenda in me so I ate some more food. Relatively small purge (in comparison to norm) but unnecessary. The second was going to be my planned, and it was hurried and harsh. I sucked on a popsicle, nearly deep throating it because my mouth hurt so bad. I wasn't tired, so I stayed up longer. Stupidely, I decided I wanted yogurt. Then ramen to purge. I didn't even fight it. The purge was awful and rushed again. When I cleaned myself up and rinsed with baking soda as I usually did, I opened my mouth wide to try to look at the roof of my mouth..what I saw was my teeth which I try not to look at (stupid). My back two bottem morals are...in horrible shape. There are very noticable cavities. I can just open my mouth and see them from afar. my gum line is receding terribly and my teeth are eroding. I started to cry in panic, promising to make a dentist appointment, even though my dentist is not a nice man.
So I took my drugs and 3 aleve and came downstairs to clean up my dishes. I had to fight the tears again as I carried a stack of dishes to the kitchen. God, I hate myself. Then I crawled on the floor to do my exercises. When I was doing my leg lifts, my back hip bones kept rolling along the floor, hurting pretty bad. I wanted to skip exercises tonight but I couldn't let myself and it frustrated me that I couldn't let myself and it frustrated me that I care so much. Moving to this exercise that moves my knees, my knee kept popping and stiffening up uncomfortably. That's when I just started to sob as I exercised because I was so frustrated.
I probably looked like a freak, sobbing and exercising at nearly 4 AM.
My body is fucked and it's all my fault. I just want to die. I've fucked things up so bad and this is how I spend my weekends and I have no friends and I don't even know why I eat. During my 3 b/p I realized I wasn't even tasting the food and I just was eating to eat and I didn't even care. During my second purge I remember thinking I can't even remember what I ate and what it tasted like and if I enjoyed it and how much I ate. It's like just something to pass the time and to fill a space.
What am I hiding from that's so painful? I'm so weak and pathetic and ugly inside and out. It's like I eat and puke because I just can't fucking DEAL.
last time I saw Julio he asked me if I would be so hard on someone who was just like me...if I would be so unsympathetic and think they're situation was stupid and they shouldn't feel bad over not having parents and their eating disorder was lame and ect. I said no..It's like everything doesn't apply to me. Then I joked and said I would probably think she needed to lose some weight, though. He said let's just say WHAT IF your thighs were bigger than you liked..SO what? What's going to happen if they're not thin enough? What's the big deal? And I just have no answer. WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH? UGHH. I know I'm not overweight, I know I'm atleast normal..God I'm probably still medically underweight (I WILL NOT STEP ON A SCALE) but WHO CARES. I don't know. I just hate myself and my looks no matter what.
And I just can't get my eating under control. Bottem line. I don't know how to eat. And I'm just so apathetic towards everything because of my food. All I do is eat and puke and not eat and sleep. So I don't do homework or go outside or whatever. School is unimportant. Fuck my future. I'm worthless. That's my mindset. I don't know why I can't get my shit together and be happy. And I don't know what I think starving myself to death will accomplish.
The End. I'm going to bed with my rotting teeth and fucked up body.
p.s.(God, i'm really scared about the condition of my body as of late)
p.p.s.i'm also really scared for my appt next Tuesday at the hospital for Day Treatment. And I wish I had an appointment with Julio next week but I'm on the waiting list for a cancelation. Fuck.