2005-09-13, 7:30 p.m.
Today I met with the lady at the hospital about the outpatient program.
Before I saw her, I met with Julio. He called the night before becaue he wanted to get me in, so he moved someone. So I saw Julio at 9, and Rita at the hospital at 11. Talk about full day.
The appointment with Julio was fine. We talked about my fear of going to the hospital appt, and this fight I had with my mom a couple days ago. I recognized how i took the anger out at my mom on myself, and how irritational it was to be like "You bitch, i'm going to hurt myself..that'll show you!" Because I totally saw myself doing that the day of the fight, but I was so angry I couldn't really calm down. My mom commented on the fact that I'm "always eating" and that was pretty hurtful. probably because it's true. At any rate, my reaction was to NOT eat all and exercise like mad. Julio said that was a big step to recognize how irritational that was and how pointless it was to fight with the crazy person. The end of our appointment was pretty light hearted...talking about music and movies. I realize I'm pretty attatched to Julio and I really hope I can continue to see him if and when I go into outpatient.
I went directly to my hospital appointment. I was so, so tired upon arriving. I snapped at a man who said "you can't park here" in some accent in the parking structure because I made a wrong turn and went into the physician lot. I snapped and said "I KNOW. I just saw the signs. How do I get out of here?" That's not like me to yell at a stranger. I parked on the top level of the parking structure because it was full, and I was just drained and I hadn't even see the lady I was meeting with yet. I walked to two wrong buildings, and felt so tired from walking around the large campus. I asked probably 3 people with hospital IDs where the building was, and still got lost and frustrated. When I finally found the building, I was hot and sweaty and tired and mad. I asked someone at the front desk where Rita was and they looked at me confused. I sighed, and went to turn away because I didn't want to explain I needed the person working with eating disorders. It's too embarresing. But they were nice and said are you looking for Kidney Diagnosis...behavioral...I interrupted and said ya! Behavioral! It was embarresing to have them point me to the sign that said behavioral was on second floor.
When I got to the second floor I was 15 minutes late, but Rita didn't seem to be bothered nor in the room I was knocked on. We talked for an hour and a half. She was very nice. She asked me what a primarily suffered from, about all the doctors I see, age, address, and a lot of basic questions.
The hardest questions to answer were my highest weight, current weight, and lowest weight. I had no problem saying my highest weight was 110 (She said "So at 16 you decided you needed to diet at 110 lbs. We do crazy things, huh?) But I had a hard time explaining I'm not weighing myself anymore. I hesistated majorly to give her a guess because I just didn't want to think about how much I weigh. I told her maybe 90, give or take 5 pounds. Before I gave her a number she guessed 80-90 lbs, which made me feel good. She said she was going to write 85-90 lbs, which is on the lower side of what I would guess...so that also made me feel good. I told her my lowest was 78, which was last summer, and she looked at me sadly and said "no one ever said anything?".
I told her about my parents and how avoidant my dad is, how he treats the problems with my mom, and how it's hurtful because it feels like he doesn't care how much it hurts me no matter how much my mental health it sacrifices. I explained my mom's mental health problems and the extent of that. As I talked about it, she said "you're so sweet about it" which is funny because of the extent of my anger issues towards her. I kind of hesistated and laughed and said "It's easier when were not fighting to be nice about it." I guess I took a professional distant as I talked about her, kinding of talking about her issues emotionally disattatched. Julio emphasizes the importance of me being honest, so I wanted her to know my mom is mean and though I am being "sweet" about it, it's not like that.
For insurance purposes, she asked me stuff like about being suicidal, substance abuse, and trauma past. I had nothing really to contribute to that except for my diet pill abuse and more like..wanting to die..not being actively suicide. That made me feel kind of like a fraud because I feel like my eating disorder is really out of control but because I don't have any of that stuff it's like...my eating disorder stands alone. I wanted to be like, "it's bad, really it is!"
She commented that I looked pale and tired. I didn't really know what to say because i always feel tired and I don't know if I looked more pale then usual or that was just my natural state. So I just said I always am tired. She asked me about health issues and again, I didn't really have anything to say. I've been lucky. I honestly feel like a time bomb, waiting for my body to kick out, but the extent of my health issues are like rapid heart beat and potassium problems but it's not like I have internal problems. Again, I felt like a fraud. It was embarresing to say I got my period a couple months ago.
When I left, I was soo drained. I got lost, found my way home like an hour later, and slept and slept and slept. I still feel like shit and don't think I'm going to binge and purge for the first evening for ages. I just want to get a frozen yogurt, take some sleeping pills, and sleep some more. I want to believe I'm physically sick but I honestly think my body is fucked up. I hope I'm losing weight and that's why I'm weak..that's the sad truth. I see my drug doctor tomorrow morning at 9 AM. Last time I saw him he was angry at me because I wasn't taking my anti-d's...but now I'm taking them..so atleast I won't have that fear of him being upset with me.
At any rate, I'm not sure about this all. It's a lot of driving to do on a daily basis. I'm scared of the commitment. I'm scared of not being able to do the program. I'm scared of telling my dad. I'm scared of leaving Julio. I'm scared of change. I don't have a solution to my eating disorder other than getting better and I know I just have to do this but I want a closer program and I want to keep seeing Julio and I want no one to know that I'm doing this. I don't want to have to find out my "underline issues" as Rita put it.
I want the impossible...I know I"m asking too much for a simple solution. I complicated my life when I decided to black and white my life. Julio and I talked about black and white today. I feel like if I can't be perfect then I must be a piece of shit. I don't like the idea of being a normal weight so I want to be extremely thin. I feel like if I don't do one homework assigment then fuck it..don't do any of them. I don't like middle grounds. All or nothing. Perfect or shit. Suicide or best selling author(success).
i keep trying to think of a way to wrap up this entry but i can't think of anything good.