2005-10-19, 7:51 p.m.
10/18/05:
Today I got my blood test results. well, the dietician called my doc and got them. I guess my hemoglobin is still really low (8.5) so that confirms the anemia.
I also talked to oceanaire and they won't let me in until I get shots for the measils and polo. I have an appt on thursday to get those done.
Rita was back today. I was the only person there in the morning so It was like one on one therapy. We talked about what I was afraid of in regards to oceanaire, how I take my anger at others on myself (her observation!), and about my dad.
When talking about my dad, she got really serious. She was pretty aggressive in telling me my dad is putting the burdan of my mom on me whenever he avoids things. I felt like Rita was trying to get my to react and so she was swearing and being firm about what my dad is doing. I think she was trying to get a reaction because she was talking about how I remind her of her husband at one time of his life. She said I'm all quiet and reserved and holding in so much anger. She even imitated my hands in my lap..saying how I am in this shell. She asked me if I ever express all that anger inside of me and how I do that.
She wants me to bring my dad to family group. She was firm about that too. She talked about how I'm keeping all these secrets and used the expression of "you're only as sick as your secrets". She said I won't get better if I continue like that. She even said I'm going die if I don't do something. She compared me to living in a prison and getting comfortable with the system. Though it's hell, I'm comfortable at home and am afraid to go outside even though someone is letting me free.
Though the things she said were hard to talk about and hear I'm glad we had that talk. I know she said things i needed to hear.
I still don't know about oceanaire. I was hoping the therapist, Dan, who does monday evaluations was going to be there today but I guess he called in sick. He seemed impressed with my fake ratings of my weekend. Some of them were truthful, but when asked about bingeing and purging, I lied. I was hoping he would be there today for staff evaluation because he said we may to reconsider inpatient and even joked about how someone else is going to have to go in my place because I was scoring better then her.
I oddly don't feel guilty. Just disapointed that everyone is still pushing oceanaire.
10/19/05:
Guess what today is? The 3 year anniversary of my accident. Since it's been 3 years now, all liability and stuff is now dropped. None of the people involved in the accident can file anything against me now..officially. yay. I guess my insurance will go down, too. Yesterday with Rita was good. Today we had her in the morning and I realized i'm really glad she's back. I get A LOT more out of her sessions then the other staff. Though I wasn't really talking much today, the things Rita hit on was pretty eye opening. She's good with using the other girl's issues and explaining how it applies to everyone. Like, she'll be like "That's how it is with melissa as well because her mom does blah blah too" and even if I am not participating..i'm still involved and getting stuff out of the time. With the other staff, it's like one person takes the floor.
I got my staffing report thing today and they're still encouraging IP even if there has been "a slight improvement". It also said "any further improvement may be temporary and reactuary". Grr. I got frustrated and was like "This is a lose-lose situation. If I improve, I am just reacting to not wanting to go to IP. Or it's temporary supposedly. If I don't improve it's like 'see...you're not getting better so were sending you off." I'm doing what they say (or looking as if) and it's not good enough. Tomorrow I have to get a polo and measles shot. At least as long as I don't have all my med stuff done they can't enforce oceanaire.
Rita also pulled me aside to ask if I was tired because it looked like I was "dragging". She said she's extremely concerned with my condition because the lab results came back similar (8.5 hemoglobin) and she knew some lady who had a 7 hemoglobin and couldn't even walk up the stairs. I asked her, besides the side effects of being anemic, what is the danger? She said heart failure. Oops. She made me get a fat in for the morning, too. I told her the granola in my yogurt had fat but she wanted me to get some nuts or something. I don't know why that was important to her...I told her I usually have my "fat" in the afternoon but she still wanted me to add it. I told her it's weird for them to be so concerned because I've never had any problems but she said this was "an accumulative disease" and then started to tell me how anorexia and bulimia have the highest morality rate of all other behavioral psych things (I forget how she worded it). I wanted to be like, "well maybe because the other disorders aren't people hurting their bodies directly..." but i just nodded. She's kind of creeping me out. I honestly don't understand the big hype of my medical condition. She keeps talking about death and stuff. I don't think I'm dying.