2005-11-04, 10:18 a.m.
I'm not doing great.
Today I chose not speak in group. Yesterday I threw up my dinner. When I came out of the bathroom, one of the staff members named Greg was standing there. He looked at me all closely and said "you need to tell us when you use the bathroom." I just said sorry and rushed to my room. Later he came up to me and asked if I was okay in the bathroom. I just nodded looking down at the floor. I half hoped he would press further because I felt so guilty and so shitty about it. I just took the easy way out instead of sitting with the uncomfortableness.
Today and yesterday I've felt real depressed. I spent most of my time sleeping yesterday. Today I want to lay down and isolate again. Last night I started crying in bed because I realized I'll have to give this up and I don't think I can.
I saw my therapist here yesterday. I still like him. He's really smart and insightful. I mentioned something about not wanting to ask for an extra form and he said "Do you always feel like you're imposing on people?"
HE wants me to see if my sister will do a session tomorrow. (That reminds me I need to call her). I guess for the purpose to fill in some of the pieces of my past.
Today we have one more group which I'm dreading. I just don't feel like doing groups anymore.
I'm going to go lye down.