2005-11-26, 10:41 a.m.
I talked to one of the the therapists today and kind of came to the decision that I shouldn't be here anymore. I'm having a hard time leaving though, because it's comfortable here. And whenever Greg is here I don't want to leave. The idea of leaving is making me really sad.
I tried to be honest with the therapist. I told her I wasn't sure how much I want this and I don't feel like I'm in the same place as the other girls. They are ready to change and put this behind them...I have no incentive and willingness to change..I just want to hold on to my behaviors.
I know this is a bad decision going home but it feels like the right decision. What's the point of being here if I don't feel like working? I know I'll probably never be completely willing and ready but in order for me to want to make any changes there has to be a small amount of willingness. And I mean, I have some willingness but it's not in the right areas. I'm willing to change my thoughts and behaviors as long as it doesn't involve my eating habits..I can't get beyond this wall. I really, really want to purge everything and I don't feel a lot of guilt about it.
I plan to meet with my therapist here today, Dr. Kim, and work out a leaving plan. If he can work it out so I'm moved to another program...perhaps St. Joseph's...I'm willing to go. If not, I'll just work on my plans to have my dad help me move out. Then I can enroll back into school in January.
I'm sorry to be such a disappointment and a fuck up. I honestly don't want to be this way..I just feel so stuck in this. I know I need help and I know I Need to change but I don't want to. And that's the problem.
I told Julio all of this and he seems angry and doesn't understand. He thinks I should stay despite the fact that I'm unwilling.
Time for snack. More later.